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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

SHE Confession #8: The Disarray of Matrimony

I loved two men in my life. I loved them enough to marry them. I also even loved them enough to divorce them just as well. The first marriage was in my late teens and ended before I was even legal to drink. The latter I married a few years shortly after. Both of those marriages painfully ended to my dismay. I take the brunt of the blame. Reason being, my selection process. Although they were very different in many ways, it was like I had chosen the exact same man twice.

I believed both men truly loved me but, not enough to give up their bachelor like ways. They were both men who thrived for the nightlife and lived for the streets, seven days a week. They both had the mentality that this is who they were and I just had to accept it if I wanted to be in their world. Neither one of them disclosed such behavior when we were courting. Perhaps they did but, the dopamine high affected my better judgment. I was also naive in thinking I could try to change either of them. I tried a series of things in both marriages. I tried talking it out, expressing my feelings, fighting about it and lastly, I tried the two can play that game strategy. Neither of these things ever really worked.

After going through the dissatisfaction of failing marriage number two, I finally realized that it was wrong of me to expect change from someone who didn't want to change or feel the need for the change. I had to learn to try to accept people for who they are. I can choose to deal with them as they are or I can choose not to. What made me finally move on from the second marriage was when I realized that I was doing all the compromising and through all the compromising I lost my sense of self, who I was along the way.

Depression had set in and I was not characteristically recognizable to those who knew and loved me. So after two decades of marriage I mustered up the courage to leave. I left him not because I stopped loving him; I left because I had to start loving me again. Leaving him was about reclaiming my sense of self-worth back, becoming strong and whole again. If by chance I should have a go at love again, hopefully it will be with someone whose values fit with my own or one that is willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

12 comments:

  1. I, too, let my heart lead me to a man only to find out later there were many things about him I wanted him to change. I tried to conform, adapt, compromise; but, the crazy thing was, I was the only one who was unhappy with the situation. He was perfectly satisfied to remain unchanged. So, I decided to respect my own boundaries (once I figured out what they were) and, left. It doesn't make the leaving any less painful; but, the discovery process has been pretty amazing.

    http://www.hushhushheart.com/5-surprises-a-woman-learns-from-a-breakup/

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  2. Thank you for your comment Vickie. I like when you described your former beau as being someone who was "perfectly satisfied to remain unchanged". An ideal way to describe someone who is unwilling to work at preserving the relationship.

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  3. Madi Brown believes that the lesson was in your journey Soleilwriter. If you didn't realize that you were compromising, then you would have never set the bar for what you WILL and WILL NOT accept from a relationship. You're so much better now.

    For Reals, and Love you the most,
    Madi Brown
    http://Madibrown.com

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    1. Thank you Madi Brown for commenting and understanding the courage and the journey of our SHE & HE confessors.

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  4. I like your honesty. As a therapist I see clients who struggle or have struggled with similar situations and are able to recover with help and support of of people who care. I admire your courage and determination. Ana Aluisy http://ComeGetHelp.com

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    1. Thank you Ana Aluisy for stopping by and offering options for our readers to get further answers and help.

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  5. well ,i might sound harsh but here is something i have observed being a counseller myself ,a professional.Most of the girls go into a relationship ,and yes plz i am not a sexiest person so my expressions are all unbiased,and what i find a bit if not strange is that when its like dating period girls tend to ignore the smaller facts or observations of the "he".Somehow girls have this understaning in their minds that they will change the habits of their man when they get into their life.So it starts like wear this or do this as soon as relationship starts .Now what i would like to state here is that men are a bit different .They dont like to be dictated or changed from very beginning and they will find you getting on their nerves ....and girls will sit wondering till last week he loved me .I think what happened with you was sad and i guess u did right not to drag it on .But in a way u closed ur eyes on their behaviour in ur courting period ,which u have admitted .I dont think u need any support bcoz u took decisions .So dont look for shoulders .Be brave and make a good choice ,treat men like men but keep ur priorities clear talk with him beforehand .....and cut the crap"if he truly loves me he will do it".Thats all movies the practical principle is "we will do good things to keep our love alive ".

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    1. hey what is a "professional counseller"? did you mean professional counselor? what type of "professional counseller are you? are you trying to say your are sexy or are you saying you are not a sexist? I'm confused! I'm confused by the misspellings, punctuation errors and your spacing mishaps coming from a self proclaimed professional. i'm sure you made some valid points here but, i can't see past these errors to focus on you point.

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  6. I admire your courage Soleilwriter. It's not easy to make such bold decision and deal with partner who do not share the same values as yours. The road towards healing and self discovery may not be easy and I wish you all the best. You are doing the right thing.

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  7. I, too, was in the same situation..only I was "lucky" enough to figure it all out before saying "I do". Eventually it just became too much and after I called it off, I took a long time to find myself again because there was so much anger in the relationship that it literally consumed me. Ladies, don't forget to love yourself first.

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  8. I appreciate you for telling truth here in front of everyone, this proves you are enough strong to handle everything. So don't think that was your mistake. stay happy...

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I would love to hear your take on SHE Versus HE.