SHE Confession # 11: Break Up Etiquette

 I've noticed that sometimes men will take measures to inhibit a woman's emotional response to a breakup which I think is neither appropriate nor fair to the woman. Here's my story, I hope all who have been in this same position will relate and appreciate. I had been dating this guy for about a year and he decided to drop the bomb in the middle of a dinner date at a fine dining restaurant. I quickly realized how he had "choreographed" everything by choosing such a venue so that I would restrain my emotions, and even took additional steps, like picking a table in the middle of the room rather than a more private space. So, I turned the tables on him in a big way. First I ordered the most expensive desserts on the menu, one for each of us. Having a degree in the Theatre Arts, I figured I'd make good use of those skills by staging a dramatic exit complete with a fabricated I exclaimed "I can't believe you've been cheating on me all this time!”  And then I stood up, reached across the table and delivered a hard slap across his face that was heard throughout the room. I had the presence of mind to remove his glasses just before administering the slap so they wouldn't go flying across the room upon impact. (He never did thank me for that) There was complete silence in the immediate aftermath and all you could hear was the sound of my high heels hitting the hardwood floor as I stormed off.  I wonder if he ever ate those desserts I ordered ;-) Stephanie Nguyen

SHE Confession # 10: The Casual Contract

We must pay close attention to whom we share our intimate energy with. Sexual intimacy on this level intricately entwines the auric energies of both sexual partners. It creates a powerful exchange of energy between those involved.  These powerful connections, no matter how insignificant we think they are, leave spiritual debris upon the aura for a long time because they are not easily cleansed or balanced. ‘Casual sex’ with many partners can entwine the energies of all these people into your own aura as well, if they are not severed and cleansed properly. This type of cluttered aura can be felt by others. This explains the subtle energies we give off. A person who sleeps with multiple people carries around a confused aura. The longer and more intimate the contact with another person, the more powerful the interactions of the auric fields become and the harder it is for these connections to untangle and leave. - Author Unknown

I was single and desolate when I decided to enter a verbal contract. A contract that would require me to have a consensual, casual relationship....no strings attached. My true nature would have never entertained the idea of such a relationship before but, as my loneliness rose to an all-time high, it began to impair my better judgement. To make matters worse, this forced celibate state I was in started to get the best of me. I longed for intimacy, that human connection with someone special. So as impatience moved in, I gave in.

There was no deceiving myself. I knew it wasn't the ultimate relationship that I had been holding out for. However, I coaxed myself into thinking it couldn't hurt. Hell, it was better than being alone, I thought. I told myself that I could do this. Stay focused, detached and simply enjoy his company. Be in the moment, while keeping my options open. It seemed like the perfect agreement while waiting for Mr. Ideal to show up and make his presence known. Things were fine at first. Our times together consisted of a mélange of intriguing conversation and intimacy. What had the makings of a brief fling suddenly had all the characteristics of a meaningful relationship. 

This was one of the dangers of being in such a sexy arrangement - that moment when a thin line comes into play. Where things go from being casual to feeling like a serious something. This is where the unthinkable happened... like a thief in the night, feelings emerged and I was then forced to realize my feelings for him. My gut told me he had feelings for me as well. My gut also said that although I am a committed relationship kind of girl, he will never be a committed relationship kind of guy and therein lies the problem.

How does one deal when the playing field suddenly changes? Do you try and renegotiate your arrangement? How does one even go about such a thing after setting such noncommittal ground rules? Do you sit down and try and discuss new terms under a new relationship contract or do you stop dead and center and walk away?  

As with most endeavors, there are a few lessons to be learned from this:

• There is no such thing as just a casual relationship
• Never allow your loneliness to lead you to settling
• People are who they are and believe what they tell you

It is a lot harder to get someone out of your life than it is to let them in. So take your time and choose wisely.

The Means to a Mend

No one wants to fall in love only for it to end in a deficit. As we struggle through this thing called life, we sometimes manage to surrender and let love in. When we decide to let love in, it seeps into our hearts, and like the weight of an ocean, it can break and shatter us. This can happen the moment you give love a chance. That feeling you get when you fall hard and seek your (be-all and end-all) to be filled by that SHE/HE.

I once heard, when it comes to love, it is better to walk into love rather than fall in love. This way, when the love is not right, you can simply walk away. If you fall in love, you run the risk of staying down too long and not knowing when or how to come back up - not knowing who or what to turn to, until you are left with no choice but to drown in love.

Once your heart takes over, you will feel yourself literally sink to the depths, the brink of what seems to be the point of no return, a complete abyss - entrapped by emotions and feeling broken. A state of complete darkness comes over you. Though all is dim, know that this too shall pass. The pain felt is not the end all.

Remember, just as that darkness of the night always precedes the dawn, know that light and blissful love is sure to follow after the pain. As long as there is breath in your body and a your heart still beats, you will heal and move on, even if it feels inconceivable.

This is not the end of you but, perhaps, an end of what was not meant to be. Know that the depth of that emotional abyss is not the final resting spot on your love journey. Sometimes you have to reach your lowest point, that point where you are faced without a choice, but only to move on and rise above it all. You can choose to stay at the bottom, until you simply drown, or you can gather the pearls and leave behind the pebbles and the swine. It is these very pearls that will make you stronger, more resilient, and help you see your worth.

Have faith that you can rise up and replace the darkness with the light. Transform your weakness and pain into your greatest strength, a means of growth and renewal. Understand that transformation often begins with a fall, and never regret the lesson.

I read somewhere that “The ground is where humility lives”. This is when you must seek your inner strength, inner circle, and faith to become more aware. It is only then that you will gain the needed endurance to move on. Once healed, at some point you will be forced to look back and see your own nothingness from whence you came. This will encourage you to seek the hunger for greatness. Know that if you have seen that reality, you have seen much. The one who is truly deceived and in darkness is the one who only seeks to pleasure HER/HIS own self, while simply disregarding others along the way. Deprived is the one who has never witnessed HER/HIS own need for the genuine love of another. Reliant on HER/HIS own self, SHE/HE fails to realize the weight of their actions and how it may compromise others, and everything else in existence.

Look to your faith and your inner strength to bring you back up, for the heart that you thought was forever damaged will be mended. What was shattered will be whole again. It is the belief that you can, that will allow you to do this. Keep seeking your inner strength. Constantly thinking and trying to figure out what went wrong, on the other hand, will only leave you to spend too much time regretting, feeling ashamed, and crippled with fear to love again. Don’t let the crushing waves of heartbreak prevent you from rising up. You can still rise up and breathe new air and new life, for new love can be just around the corner. Regain your sense of self and get back on the love track. Leave the pain behind you and don’t let the pain change you. You have a heart that is beautiful, lovable, and desirable for the right person. Keep these words dear and near and use them as your means to a mend.

SHE Confession #8: The Disarray of Matrimony

I loved two men in my life. I loved them enough to marry them. I also even loved them enough to divorce them just as well. The first marriage was in my late teens and ended before I was even legal to drink. The latter I married a few years shortly after. Both of those marriages painfully ended to my dismay. I take the brunt of the blame. Reason being, my selection process. Although they were very different in many ways, it was like I had chosen the exact same man twice.

I believed both men truly loved me but, not enough to give up their bachelor like ways. They were both men who thrived for the nightlife and lived for the streets, seven days a week. They both had the mentality that this is who they were and I just had to accept it if I wanted to be in their world. Neither one of them disclosed such behavior when we were courting. Perhaps they did but, the dopamine high affected my better judgment. I was also naive in thinking I could try to change either of them. I tried a series of things in both marriages. I tried talking it out, expressing my feelings, fighting about it and lastly, I tried the two can play that game strategy. Neither of these things ever really worked.

After going through the dissatisfaction of failing marriage number two, I finally realized that it was wrong of me to expect change from someone who didn't want to change or feel the need for the change. I had to learn to try to accept people for who they are. I can choose to deal with them as they are or I can choose not to. What made me finally move on from the second marriage was when I realized that I was doing all the compromising and through all the compromising I lost my sense of self, who I was along the way.

Depression had set in and I was not characteristically recognizable to those who knew and loved me. So after two decades of marriage I mustered up the courage to leave. I left him not because I stopped loving him; I left because I had to start loving me again. Leaving him was about reclaiming my sense of self-worth back, becoming strong and whole again. If by chance I should have a go at love again, hopefully it will be with someone whose values fit with my own or one that is willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

Image credit: fuzzbones / 123RF Stock Photo

6 Ways to Successfully Work With Your Significant Other

Sustaining a loving relationship poses challenges of it's own, much less trying to maintain a working relationship with the one you love. Hear how Rachel manages to keep things flowing in her work/love relationship:

                               On Working With Your Significant Other

Jameson and I began writing songs together after we broke up. That might sound odd, but for us it made sense. Sure, we had grievances with one another, but that didn’t mean we should have to stop hanging out!

Since then, we've gotten back together and worked through some of those grievances. At the same time, our songwriting has morphed into a full-on start-up enterprise. However, learning how to work together and be together as a couple has been no small challenge. More than once, my housemates (i.e. my parents) have heard me stomping around my room in the midst of a full-on phone tantrum.

And yet, I feel like I’ve also learned a few things.

If you’re thinking of starting a business with your significant other, here are some tips:

1. Don’t tell them their ideas suck. Just because you’re comfortable with one another, doesn’t mean you can eschew common courtesy.

2. Separate work from play. Set specific times when you’re going to work and specific times when you’re going to hang out. Oh, and constantly checking work emails during hangout time defeats the purpose.

3. Control your emotions. If something happened outside of work, leave it there. Vent to your journal, if need be, then get over it. You can’t do good work if you’re annoyed.

4. Keep your priorities in check. What’s more important to you: the product you’re creating or the person you create it with?

5. Praise one another. Too often, we don’t praise gifted people because we’re certain they already know how great they are. Not true. We all need to be encouraged in our gifts, especially artists.

6. Say thank you. Because any endeavor requires both your gifts. Because there is a lot to do and you couldn't do it without them. – r. yellen 

Guest Blogger, Rachel Yellen is a co-writer/band mate of the band Windsor.

SHE Confession #7: I Just Can't Anymore

I'm not feeling this between us anymore. I have been let down and disregarded so many times in my past and now you too... Was it naive of me to think you were incapable of doing the same? I guess...I have tried my best to always be there for you when you needed someone to talk to, someone to care or just simply be there. You know it really wasn't no task at all, for I hung onto every word that you so much as even uttered from your beautiful lips.

I thought I had the same in you but, in return you disappointed me… You fell out of my life once again. You checked out once more. As life with me became too much for you to bear you just simply stopped calling. Not once did you seem to care what was going on with me. What you had going on was all that seem to truly matter anyways.

Loving you was a certainty that I would be there. I respected your need to do things differently and handle things your own way. At the same time your actions forced me to realize what works for me and this one-way surely doesn't anymore. Walking out of my life and strolling back when it is conducive for you…really?

During your hiatus I reached out to you because I needed you, I needed someone to talk to, someone to just listen with care… Instead you were nowhere to be found because, you were busy doing you. This last time you showed up expecting to get back in, back to when we were at our ultimate high. I just simply can't keep doing this again and again, I just can no longer do us. Not because I don't love you anymore. Hell, I still do...maybe even more. I just can't endure the pain anymore. This whole thing has got me so weak...I can't foresee me ever trusting you as I once did and that is why I just can't anymore.  

HE Confession #3: SHE, the Bitch I Never Knew

SHE left me disenchanted. Her actions ripped my perception of who I thought SHE was to pieces. It changed my reality, our existence. SHE was unintentionally tested by me. SHE failed and, miserably I might add. SHE took what we had between us…what I thought was beyond any monetary value and, reduced us like some outdated piece of technology. 

We became a thing of yesterday…obsolete. Just like that… I sometimes watch her bask in her own delight from a distance and think oh, what a Bitch SHE is! A Bitch no doubt… Then I came to my senses and realized I’m just simply chagrined by it all. 

I’m still very much in love with the idea of who I thought SHE was.  The truth of the matter is SHE is not a bitch at all. SHE is still the same SHE that SHE always has been. A SHE I refused to initially see. Instead of continuously harboring ill feelings for her, I can now only want to wish her well. For if SHE was not being SHE I would not have been the involuntary recipient of clarity, a parting gift that SHE so graciously left. Staring at me was the true Bitch, my denial... 
Image credit: blanarum / 123RF Stock Photo

On the Deficit Side of SHE Versus HE

Has this ever happened to you? Where you ever that HE/SHE?

*HE pursued you for what you thought was a relationship when HE was just rebounding with you.

*HE said he didn't want a serious relationship but, HE got married six month later.

*HE said HE wanted a serious relationship but, HE was already married to someone else.

*HE was with you for over a decade, marriage, kids and all. Yet, HE was never fully committed in his heart.

*HE never wanted anything really. HE was just lonely and simply wanted sex.

*HE couldn't handle your love due to his own insecurities and issues.

*HE was almost too good to be true until his dark secret was revealed.

*HE just stop calling....til this day you still don't know why.

*HE was abusive, controlling, jealous....just all kinds of wrong.

*HE loved you & SHE & her & her too.

*HE was too wounded to ever love you or anyone else for that matter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*SHE loved you but, wanted him and her freedom more.

*SHE didn't love you SHE only loved the last thing you did for her.

*SHE was too self-absorbed to love anyone else.

*SHE used you as her rebound only to return back to him

*SHE said you don't do it for her anymore.

*SHE had too many insecurities about herself that she couldn't love anyone else.

*SHE pretended to be someone SHE wasn't then the real SHE showed up.

*SHE didn't know how to relate to HE for she lacked positive role models.

*SHE no longer met your physical needs. Intimacy became a chore for SHE.

*SHE woke up one day and decided that motherhood and marriage was not her deal anymore.

*SHE said you wasn't good enough.

SHE Confession #5: True Love...Absolute Truth or Myth

True Love...is it real? Does it truly exist? Imaginably, it is easy to assume that it is just a fantasy or myth. Perhaps it is merely something that great fairy-tales are made of. If "True Love" is in fact real, does it ever last or does it simply wear off by some specific time frame? Is it like a momentary phase that is sure to pass and guaranteed to not linger on? Is it more like a grand facade, a huge deceptive web filled with deception? A deceptive, delusional spell that disorientates it’s victims into a distorted reality. Forcing you to wear rose tinted glasses with a rosy outlook in tow. The tail end result are: gross misconceptions, huge arguments, horrid break-ups. and bitter divorces.

This is coming from a person who has waited for what appears to be centuries for "True Love" that is long lasting, with a close resemblance to eternity. I have waited for "True Love" to show up and show out, for "True Love" to show its exquisite and astonishing face. Yet, to no avail…instead I was met with lack luster imposters who tried to mimic and do their best at their rendition of what True Lasting Love should be.

Break-Ups and the Unknown.....

Ever dated or had a relationship with someone and as far as you knew things were going great. Then, out of nowhere everything came to a screeching halt? Things just ended abruptly without any explanation whatsoever and it left you wondering what happened. Did it ever leave you with a dozen of unanswered questions? Questions, that left you wondering until this very day as to what went wrong? Well, there is now a site that can help answer all of the above.
This interesting fairly new concept is called "Wot Went Wrong". It's a site geared towards helping people get the feedback and finality that they always wanted. Here you can fill out a simple five step process and Viola! You are well on your way to getting the closure you so needed and it will finally allow you to move on with your life. See for yourself and feel free to let us know how it helped you. 
 ***Update*** Although it may have been a great concept, this site appears to no longer be in operation. I guess it may have been difficult to get the side of the let down to fess up.

Ramblings in the Name of “Companionship

Here is a “SHE” Confession that I came across and wanted to share with you all. In this confession, I’m sure that there are some readers that might be able to identify with this piece at some point or another. You may be experiencing these very same situations in your current relationship or lack of thereof. This “SHE” writer, is a talented and expressive writer, who has the ability to really take you where she's coming from. She does this through a series of pieces called the “Confessions of an Insomniac“that she often shares with her Facebook friends. I love her heartfelt; let’s keep it real, style of writing. “SHE” was kind enough to allow me to spot light the full confession here. Proceed below for the“Rambling in the name of “Companionship Confession, Episode 74”:

Confessions of an Insomniac: Episode 74

by Ms. Nakki on Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm

It’s not a secret, at least to me, that I've been discontent with this long-distance thing. I've had a bad history with long distance relationships…apparently. Third time a charm? Ahhhh….NO.


Although my rational mind says that what happens is supposed to happen, my heart aches and right now, I’m in need of companionship. Not the kind that my Sorors, home girls, and home boys provide. Not the kind that I can get simply by making a phone call, either…

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the companionship of someone that moves the mind, heart, and body. That is what I want…and I can’t have it with 700 miles in between. Holding hands every 6 months does NOT a relationship make!

I ask myself over and over again if THIS is what I get for the decisions that I've made in life. I go through the what ifs and the shoulda, coulda, woulda scenarios more than I care to count. I've been patient. I've mastered the art of dating myself…I've gotten myself so many gifts, I dare someone else to get me something that I don’t already have. I sing to myself, I take myself out to dinner, I hold my own damned hands when it’s cold. I open the door for myself; I call myself beautiful and toss back my head so that the sun can give me a kiss good morning. All day, every day.

I’m not desperate because I've made what I want and feel that I need public. I’m not afraid to say that I want or need a man. That doesn't mean that I’m standing around the corner waiting for some aloof guy to come, so that I could jump on him. I’m not going out in the streets looking like I belong in a circus (or in a stage play for the ones that are disillusioned about how their make-up looks), or like I should be in some type of erotic showcase. It’s not me…AND, I’d never want a man to accuse me of tricking him because he woke up next to me and my wig was on the lamp shade. No offense to my wig-wearing friends…but I’m just me, no frills. Plain Jane.

I don’t even want to hear about my “No Frilliness” being the PROBLEM… I know a lot of married women who are no-frills. They didn't need embellishment for someone to profess his love in such a way that he wanted her as his life’s partner. So, make up, high heels, and more revealing clothing is not a necessity to be a “fish that’s not tossed back”. Steve Harvey said that…the analogy is so fitting. Dating is a fishing excursion…are you the keeper or are you the one that gets tossed back into the water? He doesn't discuss the ones that were kept and were poisoned or decaying inside – are those the divorcees or the exes? I digress.

He told me that he’s noticed that I've been pulling away from him. Conversations are not as “easy”, I’m not as talkative or funny, I don’t sound as if I’m glad to hear from him anymore. Lord knows that I can’t keep my feelings bottled up and YES, things have changed. I got that although THIS is something he never expected – falling in love; he doesn't know how to integrate it into his current structure of life. No more taking in the evenings unless he’s running an errand – he doesn't want his daughter to hear him on the phone – she’ll automatically know that he’s talking to a woman. (I can't rationalize that yet...she's 16, not 6!) When he runs those errands and is out and about alone, he sees it as a chance to catch up, albeit briefly. He forgets that there’s someone on the phone that expects and wants his undivided attention: “Can I get a spinach wrap with extra cheese?!” Ok…now what were you saying? “How much?!” Sorry, hold on, ok. I’m back… KETCHUP Ma’aM, please!” OK, ok… “Let me call you back, my parents (my brother, my daughter) are calling”.

And because of these competing priorities, somehow text messaging has become an acceptable manner for conversation. No Thanks…don’t want to kill myself (or anyone else) because I’m trying to converse with you via text message. YES, this meeting is terribly boring, but must I blow my cover by texting entire conversations?! I have arthritis and sometimes my fingers hurt.

I never wanted him to make a choice…I wanted him to learn how to reconcile all of these components of his life: daughter, parents, brother, me. Reconcilable. The thing is…that I can’t do the reconciling… I told him that he doesn't have to choose…EITHER/OR doesn't exist in this situation. There was always the understanding that we're both "package deals". The choice is whether or not he wants to reconcile me with his family. There are not 2 families and I don’t have to be a secret. Perhaps I'm asking for too much and my expectations are misplaced...grasping for straws here.

So, I’m simply “chillin”. Coolin out. Whatever is whatever. When he’s figured out how to reconcile all that is going on in his life, I may be available. Yes, I love him and I love me. If he cannot give me what I’ve articulated to be my basic need…then why am I still pretending that it will change? I am pretending when we talk about the future… I’m pretending like it’s something that I can see on the horizon…I can – that little sailboat that doesn't have wind to push it home. While I chill, my options remain open.
Ramblings in the name of “companionship”…

Avoiding the Ultimate B L (Big Lesson)

When you first meet them, note* I said them and not the ONE. Better yet, let me call them a “BL” which is short for “Big Lesson”. You almost immediately and stupidly, I might add, fall for BL’s game or hex. If you never encountered a BL then consider yourself fortunate. However, in case one crosses your path this is how you will be able to identify them; a BL operates something like this: You meet them and you’re almost instantaneously enticed by their confidence, charm and their seductive ways. Now pay attention, that confidence will draw you in like a magnet, it is often a disguise for arrogance. BL’s always have charm and a tenacious way about them that is sure to have you in some sort of a trance. This comes from many years in the game, a serial player at its best. As for the seduction you will experience with BL, well let’s just say it’s like something beyond words or this lifetime.

A BL has the ability to detect your weakness and insecurities on sight. A BL can sniff this out like a hound and use them against you to reel you in and get you hooked. A BL can get you hooked long enough for them to have their way with you then dispose of you like old news. The sweet gestures that hooked, lined and sunk you are now replaced with a lack of feedback or total avoidance. We clearly saw all the red flags going up all around us at the time but, because BL had already succeeded in hooking us, we were already paralyzed and under their spell. We couldn't shake them even if we wanted to. We all ready brought what BL was selling so we were too far gone to make any sound judgments or decisions.

In the beginning, BL will either pretend to want a real relationship or some may even be up front and say they are not looking for anything serious. However, because of that “CCS” (Confidence, Charm, and Seduction) combo and because this combo is like no other, we don’t even wait for them to play us like a Mattel game. We begin to play mind games on our own selves. We begin to create delusional realities and, we do this with the most complete rationale too! We begin to believe that we have the ability to get them to see the relationship in a new light. That we have the ability to make them want to turn in their player card and make us the one. We say to ourselves that what we have going between the BL and us is something special, unique and worth holding on to. We fail to realize that a BL loves their player ways way more than they can ever care for or love us. Since a player tends to always have their cake and eat it too then why would they ever turn in their player card for us? You see a BL has always gotten away with things in past relationships and perhaps never been truly checked or ever had a dose of their own affliction. So why would they ever change or have compassion or mercy on us. BLs always have that “On to the next one” attitude so what’s so special about you to them?

Like I touched on in the Cutting the Tomfoolery post, we tend to fall for BLs perhaps because deep down everyone likes a little challenge or a daring thrill. It's not their unpleasant characteristics that we are drawn to; it is more so the chase that ignites us. It is the chase that makes our hearts almost skip a beat or tingle at the sight or thought of them. It is that chase that makes us never forget, or hang on to every word and hope that BL would call or surface. Know that if you pursue a BL you will be left with a nonexistent relationship that will ultimately leave you feeling void and disenchanted. The flames will most likely accelerate and ignite fast, things will really get hot between you and then you will be left abruptly burnt. So recognize the “BL” (Big Lesson) before hand so that you can avoid being unnecessarily schooled.