SHE Confession # 11: Break Up Etiquette

 I've noticed that sometimes men will take measures to inhibit a woman's emotional response to a breakup which I think is neither appropriate nor fair to the woman. Here's my story, I hope all who have been in this same position will relate and appreciate. I had been dating this guy for about a year and he decided to drop the bomb in the middle of a dinner date at a fine dining restaurant. I quickly realized how he had "choreographed" everything by choosing such a venue so that I would restrain my emotions, and even took additional steps, like picking a table in the middle of the room rather than a more private space. So, I turned the tables on him in a big way. First I ordered the most expensive desserts on the menu, one for each of us. Having a degree in the Theatre Arts, I figured I'd make good use of those skills by staging a dramatic exit complete with a fabricated I exclaimed "I can't believe you've been cheating on me all this time!”  And then I stood up, reached across the table and delivered a hard slap across his face that was heard throughout the room. I had the presence of mind to remove his glasses just before administering the slap so they wouldn't go flying across the room upon impact. (He never did thank me for that) There was complete silence in the immediate aftermath and all you could hear was the sound of my high heels hitting the hardwood floor as I stormed off.  I wonder if he ever ate those desserts I ordered ;-) Stephanie Nguyen

The Means to a Mend

No one wants to fall in love only for it to end in a deficit. As we struggle through this thing called life, we sometimes manage to surrender and let love in. When we decide to let love in, it seeps into our hearts, and like the weight of an ocean, it can break and shatter us. This can happen the moment you give love a chance. That feeling you get when you fall hard and seek your (be-all and end-all) to be filled by that SHE/HE.

I once heard, when it comes to love, it is better to walk into love rather than fall in love. This way, when the love is not right, you can simply walk away. If you fall in love, you run the risk of staying down too long and not knowing when or how to come back up - not knowing who or what to turn to, until you are left with no choice but to drown in love.

Once your heart takes over, you will feel yourself literally sink to the depths, the brink of what seems to be the point of no return, a complete abyss - entrapped by emotions and feeling broken. A state of complete darkness comes over you. Though all is dim, know that this too shall pass. The pain felt is not the end all.

Remember, just as that darkness of the night always precedes the dawn, know that light and blissful love is sure to follow after the pain. As long as there is breath in your body and a your heart still beats, you will heal and move on, even if it feels inconceivable.

This is not the end of you but, perhaps, an end of what was not meant to be. Know that the depth of that emotional abyss is not the final resting spot on your love journey. Sometimes you have to reach your lowest point, that point where you are faced without a choice, but only to move on and rise above it all. You can choose to stay at the bottom, until you simply drown, or you can gather the pearls and leave behind the pebbles and the swine. It is these very pearls that will make you stronger, more resilient, and help you see your worth.

Have faith that you can rise up and replace the darkness with the light. Transform your weakness and pain into your greatest strength, a means of growth and renewal. Understand that transformation often begins with a fall, and never regret the lesson.

I read somewhere that “The ground is where humility lives”. This is when you must seek your inner strength, inner circle, and faith to become more aware. It is only then that you will gain the needed endurance to move on. Once healed, at some point you will be forced to look back and see your own nothingness from whence you came. This will encourage you to seek the hunger for greatness. Know that if you have seen that reality, you have seen much. The one who is truly deceived and in darkness is the one who only seeks to pleasure HER/HIS own self, while simply disregarding others along the way. Deprived is the one who has never witnessed HER/HIS own need for the genuine love of another. Reliant on HER/HIS own self, SHE/HE fails to realize the weight of their actions and how it may compromise others, and everything else in existence.

Look to your faith and your inner strength to bring you back up, for the heart that you thought was forever damaged will be mended. What was shattered will be whole again. It is the belief that you can, that will allow you to do this. Keep seeking your inner strength. Constantly thinking and trying to figure out what went wrong, on the other hand, will only leave you to spend too much time regretting, feeling ashamed, and crippled with fear to love again. Don’t let the crushing waves of heartbreak prevent you from rising up. You can still rise up and breathe new air and new life, for new love can be just around the corner. Regain your sense of self and get back on the love track. Leave the pain behind you and don’t let the pain change you. You have a heart that is beautiful, lovable, and desirable for the right person. Keep these words dear and near and use them as your means to a mend.

SHE Confession #9: Broken

He once loved me intensely.  As a result of that love a jealousy and fear grew within me.  I always knew I never wanted to feel what it would be like to be without his love… I knew I would shatter to pieces if I ever discovered he loved another as or more intensely than he loved me.  I knew there were others and though it thoroughly pissed me off, I knew they were not me so I weathered through it.  I knew their exchanges didn't measure up to a tenth of the love we had between us. That all changed the day I discovered her existence.

She was the one that set everything in motion.  She changed us for good. She changed our bond, our love, our marriage and our family permanently.  She affected us in ways that I can’t even begin to express.  She had impeccable timing that became his everything, all that he looked forward to.  Until this very day I wonder if they know the magnitude and the devastation they caused….most likely not. I’m sure she couldn't have given even one single damn.

She was the one he now called with excitement when it used to be me.  She was the one that motivated him to make frequent trips to the corner store (so he could freely answer her missed calls).  She motivated him to return to our marriage bed just before dawn and sometimes not at all.  Over time I began to see the extra effort he was making in his appearance for her that he once made for me.

Their need for each other although a complete bliss for them, started a deterioration within me.  I allowed their nascent romance to rob me of my aspirations and my dreams.  He was so embedded within me that without him I now felt so broken.  I no longer wanted anything to do with what reminded me of them, even if that meant him too. Our home became a cold reminder of what was, what could be but, now isn't. It became an emotive prison and I wanted out.

I became so emotionally weak but, my heart became hardened.  To him and everyone else I appeared bitter, stubborn and strong willed. Inside I was dying and trying so hard not to breakdown.  I allowed their actions to strip my self-worth, self-respect and confidence.  A once self-assured woman now diffident and weak. Alone I remain for no one could ever be him to me, no one could ever be us.  It’s been well over seven years now and broken I remain.

Copyright: BDS / 123RF Stock Photo

Is Your Relationship a Deal Breaker?

Here's another great opportunity for you to hash out your relationship issues on T.V with the Author of "Think Like a Man" and host of The Steve Harvey Show based in Chicago. Even if you are not from Chicago area, if chosen you would be flown out with accommodations included so you can tell your story to Steve. 

Currently they are looking for women who are having problems in their relationships (hence why they reached to us). They are looking for women in long-term relationships that want to know if their man's behavior is really a deal breaker. Steve Harvey will sit down with you if you are selected and give you his honest advice from his perspective. If this sounds like something you would be interested in please contact Jasmine Stephen.

SHE Confession #8: The Disarray of Matrimony

I loved two men in my life. I loved them enough to marry them. I also even loved them enough to divorce them just as well. The first marriage was in my late teens and ended before I was even legal to drink. The latter I married a few years shortly after. Both of those marriages painfully ended to my dismay. I take the brunt of the blame. Reason being, my selection process. Although they were very different in many ways, it was like I had chosen the exact same man twice.

I believed both men truly loved me but, not enough to give up their bachelor like ways. They were both men who thrived for the nightlife and lived for the streets, seven days a week. They both had the mentality that this is who they were and I just had to accept it if I wanted to be in their world. Neither one of them disclosed such behavior when we were courting. Perhaps they did but, the dopamine high affected my better judgment. I was also naive in thinking I could try to change either of them. I tried a series of things in both marriages. I tried talking it out, expressing my feelings, fighting about it and lastly, I tried the two can play that game strategy. Neither of these things ever really worked.

After going through the dissatisfaction of failing marriage number two, I finally realized that it was wrong of me to expect change from someone who didn't want to change or feel the need for the change. I had to learn to try to accept people for who they are. I can choose to deal with them as they are or I can choose not to. What made me finally move on from the second marriage was when I realized that I was doing all the compromising and through all the compromising I lost my sense of self, who I was along the way.

Depression had set in and I was not characteristically recognizable to those who knew and loved me. So after two decades of marriage I mustered up the courage to leave. I left him not because I stopped loving him; I left because I had to start loving me again. Leaving him was about reclaiming my sense of self-worth back, becoming strong and whole again. If by chance I should have a go at love again, hopefully it will be with someone whose values fit with my own or one that is willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

Image credit: fuzzbones / 123RF Stock Photo

SHE Confession #7: I Just Can't Anymore

I'm not feeling this between us anymore. I have been let down and disregarded so many times in my past and now you too... Was it naive of me to think you were incapable of doing the same? I guess...I have tried my best to always be there for you when you needed someone to talk to, someone to care or just simply be there. You know it really wasn't no task at all, for I hung onto every word that you so much as even uttered from your beautiful lips.

I thought I had the same in you but, in return you disappointed me… You fell out of my life once again. You checked out once more. As life with me became too much for you to bear you just simply stopped calling. Not once did you seem to care what was going on with me. What you had going on was all that seem to truly matter anyways.

Loving you was a certainty that I would be there. I respected your need to do things differently and handle things your own way. At the same time your actions forced me to realize what works for me and this one-way surely doesn't anymore. Walking out of my life and strolling back when it is conducive for you…really?

During your hiatus I reached out to you because I needed you, I needed someone to talk to, someone to just listen with care… Instead you were nowhere to be found because, you were busy doing you. This last time you showed up expecting to get back in, back to when we were at our ultimate high. I just simply can't keep doing this again and again, I just can no longer do us. Not because I don't love you anymore. Hell, I still do...maybe even more. I just can't endure the pain anymore. This whole thing has got me so weak...I can't foresee me ever trusting you as I once did and that is why I just can't anymore.  

HE Confession #3: SHE, the Bitch I Never Knew

SHE left me disenchanted. Her actions ripped my perception of who I thought SHE was to pieces. It changed my reality, our existence. SHE was unintentionally tested by me. SHE failed and, miserably I might add. SHE took what we had between us…what I thought was beyond any monetary value and, reduced us like some outdated piece of technology. 

We became a thing of yesterday…obsolete. Just like that… I sometimes watch her bask in her own delight from a distance and think oh, what a Bitch SHE is! A Bitch no doubt… Then I came to my senses and realized I’m just simply chagrined by it all. 

I’m still very much in love with the idea of who I thought SHE was.  The truth of the matter is SHE is not a bitch at all. SHE is still the same SHE that SHE always has been. A SHE I refused to initially see. Instead of continuously harboring ill feelings for her, I can now only want to wish her well. For if SHE was not being SHE I would not have been the involuntary recipient of clarity, a parting gift that SHE so graciously left. Staring at me was the true Bitch, my denial... 
Image credit: blanarum / 123RF Stock Photo

SHE Confession #6: A Solemn Stance on Love

It's been difficult to write about relationships and my thoughts regarding them for quite some time lately. My inability to do so wasn't so much so that I had some sort of writer's block. It's actually quite the opposite. I actually have so much to say or so much on my mind regarding relationships as a whole. I've been boggled down with my own personal feelings on the matter that, I have not been able to funnel through it. I just can't seem to make sense of it all, or where to begin. Partly being, is that I'm learning to emotionally let go. Holding on to a certain something or someone has been one of my biggest muse when it comes to writing about relationships. Letting go of what had been my drug, my main source of inspiration....my emotional addiction. It was one of the hardest things I had to do and like with any addiction every new day is an entirely new struggle. Holding on too long has been a downfall of mine.

I honestly have to say that there are truly many depths of love. You can love people for totally different reasons. However, when love is staring you in the face you truly know it without a doubt. Love makes you want to give even when there is nothing to gain in return. At the same time love can sting when it's not returned in equal or even a remote measure. While love can be so beautiful it can be equally dismal.   

Break-Ups and the Unknown.....

Ever dated or had a relationship with someone and as far as you knew things were going great. Then, out of nowhere everything came to a screeching halt? Things just ended abruptly without any explanation whatsoever and it left you wondering what happened. Did it ever leave you with a dozen of unanswered questions? Questions, that left you wondering until this very day as to what went wrong? Well, there is now a site that can help answer all of the above.
This interesting fairly new concept is called "Wot Went Wrong". It's a site geared towards helping people get the feedback and finality that they always wanted. Here you can fill out a simple five step process and Viola! You are well on your way to getting the closure you so needed and it will finally allow you to move on with your life. See for yourself and feel free to let us know how it helped you. 
 ***Update*** Although it may have been a great concept, this site appears to no longer be in operation. I guess it may have been difficult to get the side of the let down to fess up.

Avoiding the Ultimate B L (Big Lesson)

When you first meet them, note* I said them and not the ONE. Better yet, let me call them a “BL” which is short for “Big Lesson”. You almost immediately and stupidly, I might add, fall for BL’s game or hex. If you never encountered a BL then consider yourself fortunate. However, in case one crosses your path this is how you will be able to identify them; a BL operates something like this: You meet them and you’re almost instantaneously enticed by their confidence, charm and their seductive ways. Now pay attention, that confidence will draw you in like a magnet, it is often a disguise for arrogance. BL’s always have charm and a tenacious way about them that is sure to have you in some sort of a trance. This comes from many years in the game, a serial player at its best. As for the seduction you will experience with BL, well let’s just say it’s like something beyond words or this lifetime.

A BL has the ability to detect your weakness and insecurities on sight. A BL can sniff this out like a hound and use them against you to reel you in and get you hooked. A BL can get you hooked long enough for them to have their way with you then dispose of you like old news. The sweet gestures that hooked, lined and sunk you are now replaced with a lack of feedback or total avoidance. We clearly saw all the red flags going up all around us at the time but, because BL had already succeeded in hooking us, we were already paralyzed and under their spell. We couldn't shake them even if we wanted to. We all ready brought what BL was selling so we were too far gone to make any sound judgments or decisions.

In the beginning, BL will either pretend to want a real relationship or some may even be up front and say they are not looking for anything serious. However, because of that “CCS” (Confidence, Charm, and Seduction) combo and because this combo is like no other, we don’t even wait for them to play us like a Mattel game. We begin to play mind games on our own selves. We begin to create delusional realities and, we do this with the most complete rationale too! We begin to believe that we have the ability to get them to see the relationship in a new light. That we have the ability to make them want to turn in their player card and make us the one. We say to ourselves that what we have going between the BL and us is something special, unique and worth holding on to. We fail to realize that a BL loves their player ways way more than they can ever care for or love us. Since a player tends to always have their cake and eat it too then why would they ever turn in their player card for us? You see a BL has always gotten away with things in past relationships and perhaps never been truly checked or ever had a dose of their own affliction. So why would they ever change or have compassion or mercy on us. BLs always have that “On to the next one” attitude so what’s so special about you to them?

Like I touched on in the Cutting the Tomfoolery post, we tend to fall for BLs perhaps because deep down everyone likes a little challenge or a daring thrill. It's not their unpleasant characteristics that we are drawn to; it is more so the chase that ignites us. It is the chase that makes our hearts almost skip a beat or tingle at the sight or thought of them. It is that chase that makes us never forget, or hang on to every word and hope that BL would call or surface. Know that if you pursue a BL you will be left with a nonexistent relationship that will ultimately leave you feeling void and disenchanted. The flames will most likely accelerate and ignite fast, things will really get hot between you and then you will be left abruptly burnt. So recognize the “BL” (Big Lesson) before hand so that you can avoid being unnecessarily schooled.

Cutting the Tomfoolery Out of Your Relationship

Why is it that we often want the one who doesn't want us or the one who is "Just Not That Into Us"? Why do we appear to fall the hardest for the one who plays it cool and acts uninterested? Do we really like or love them, or is it the challenge of getting them to want or love us back that keeps us wanting more? Is it the cat and mouse chase that keeps us anticipating that next encounter? Perhaps many of us are gluttons for punishment when it comes to matters of the heart.

A relationship of this magnitude can often leave one to feel like they are trapped in one of those insane episodes of the cartoon classic Tom & Jerry. According to Wikipedia the plot of the carton classic is described as:

The plot of each cartoon short is usually centered on Tom's frustrated attempts to catch Jerry, and the mayhem and destruction that ensue. Since Tom rarely attempts to eat Jerry and because the pair actually seem to get along in some cartoon shorts (at least in the first minute or so), it is unclear why Tom chases Jerry so much. But some reasons given may include normal feline/mouse enmity; Tom rarely succeeds in catching Jerry, mainly because of Jerry's craftiness and cunning abilities, but sometimes because of Tom's own stupidity. Tom sometimes beats Jerry, usually when Jerry becomes the instigator or when he crosses some sort of line.

This synopsis can easily be compared to the madness we often put ourselves through in the name of love or lust. At some point we have to stop the Tomfoolery and analyze things for what they are and move on to the catch that wants to be caught. Are you the Tom or the Jerry in your real life cartoon ciaos of a relationship?

500 Days of Summer, Then Comes Autumn

When it comes to breaking down the she versus he I think a definite must see is 500 Days of Summer. This movie stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Mark) and Zooey Deschanel Summer) in non-linear romantic comedy. Mark is a guy who falls head over heels in love with Summer, a girl who doesn't believe in love at first. After meeting Summer in his place of employment, he feels that two have a great deal in common. Mark is one who strongly believes in the soulmates concept. He feels she is the one. On the other hand Summer sees true love as pure fairy tales, and isn't seeking anything more than friendship. Mark is determined to win her over and show Summer that love is real and succeeds with a twist. This is a must see. Read synopsis and user comment below:

Taken from IMDB:
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn't. This is not a love story. This is a story about love. After it looks as if she's left his life for good this time, Tom Hansen reflects back (which bad relationships often make you do) on the just over one year that he knew Summer Finn. Despite being physically average in almost every respect,Tom's adolescent sister, Rachel, who is his voice of reason(and a powerful voice of reason). After all is said and done, Tom is the one who ultimately has to make the choice to listen or not. Tom and Summer argue over whether or not love is real, with Summer saying it isn't while Tom says it is. The two agree to disagree. Rachel tells him that he should take a second look at Summer and Tom's relationship and stop ignoring the bad(something we often do in relationships and wonder how we got to this point). He realizes that there was always something Summer was holding back and kept her from truly being "in" the relationship.

User comment section on IMDB:
(500) Days of Summer is a poem to every down and out guy who thinks he's the only one whose ever been dragged through the mill by their own Summer. What undoubtedly ends up making this picture so brilliant is how relatable it is to its victims and victimizers a like. When all is said and done, there is most definitely a lesson to be learned by Tom's experiences. Everyone you meet along the way, whether just passing through or sticking around for awhile, has a purpose. In the end nothing lasts forever, relationships begin, relationships end. Try to be thankful for all the people that broke your heart, they more than likely helped you find yourself in the process …especially you, Summer…bitch

When a Bond Has Been Compromised

In a relationship, you find someone that you trust and you consider them to be your most highly regarded confidant. You share with them some of your deepest secrets and embedded insecurities that you wouldn’t dare share with anyone else. Such a gesture does not come about by doing small act or feat either. They earned this privilege by gaining your heart and your trust over time.

Everyday isn’t always a good day between two people. The two of you may not always see eye to eye. It may even get to the point where issues and conflicts become frequent visitors in your relationship. These communication isues shouldn’t really make much a difference right? After all, they are your most cherished confidant right?

Well, what do you do when your most cherished confidant goes and compromise your trust? This often occurs as a result of anger or some emotional based revenge. The very same secrets you shared with them are now being thrown back at you to hurt you. The very same insecurities that you divulged are now being used against you. What do you do when you are constantly being undermined by this person you love? What do you do when they use words to emotionally hurt or manipulate you because they know just exactly how to do it?

Do you:

a) Try your best to work it out by figuring out the emotional root of the constant betrayal and decide to forgive and forget.

b) Do you give them a spoonful of their own emotionally fatal medicine?

c) Do you acknowledge this as emotional abuse and decide to cut your losses and let go of the emotional roller coaster?

I would love to hear your answer and see how you would handle things……..

The Putrid Effect of an Ego

He loves me …he loves me not…She loves me…she loves me not. Many of us are not just sitting back picking petals off of a beautiful flower, wondering if the one who has enthralled our hearts truly loves us or not. The more prevalent question that seems to be demanding an immediate answer is just exactly how much. To what dept or degree does this pertinent individual actual love and feel for one? This I must say is a question that everyone has had to ask at some given point in a relationship. It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, if you are a man or a woman you must have had to ask yourselves this very same question. Actually some of us may find ourselves asking this question far too often, more so than we would actually like to.

Different things can spark or bring on the doubts and questions. Often our expectations of others lead us to doubt those we love and those that love us. Especially, when we feel that the people we love are falling short of what we feel they should be doing or bringing to the relationship. When in actuality it is often our past experiences that bring us to the brink. The brink of getting so caught up that we are just left standing with our insecurities and uncertainties to comfort us instead the person we love.

Another villain in relationships is our egos. Egos can be so huge and fatal that it can rob a relationship of its splendor and essence. An ego has the power to blind, mute, deaf and cause temporary memory loss in a relationship. An ego can cause you to no longer see what made you love the person in the first place. An ego can cause momentary loss of speech. When a simple sorry or I love you is needed an ego can silence one and prevent the words from coming out or ever being heard. An ego can make your partners words become some irrelevant like, annoying background noise that you just don’t want to hear anymore. The damage of an ego can be so grave that it causes one to forget why it all even mattered in the first place.

Now with the new found understanding of just how severe an ego can be to a relationship, don’t let it be a hindrance in yours. After all this is the person one truly loves right? Why can’t one just let all guards down, break all barriers and just simply be? No egos, no attitudes and insecurities allowed…It begins with us first and our love ones will follow. Just release and just be with and have the love that one was meant to have!

Karma’s Heartbreak Boomerang

A close friend of mine has been dating this guy who had (commitment issues) for as long as I have known her. She has pretty much stood by his side and remained patient out of her love and loyalty to him. She has tolerantly waited for him to get over his dedication and commitment phobias, only for him to inform her that he just got married to some random woman he just met. (jaw dropped…heart crushing...trying to pick oneself up off the floor shocker)

Perhaps my friend was not the one for him right? Well, if she was not the woman for him then why did he just not move on with his new life? Why is he currently refusing to be happy with the new “Wifey”? Instead, he is constantly attempting to contact and spend his time thinking of my friend (the woman he knows within his own heart he should have married).

I truly do not understand why human beings do these types of thing to one another. Why do men/women choose to string each other along if they are not sure what they want out of a partner or a relationship? Just because one can’t make up their mind should the other suffer? No matter how much you try you cannot have your cake and eat it too, at least not for long anyway. If we choose to continue to take the selfish route in our relationships, karma’s heartbreak boomerang will surely cross our paths with a vengeance. So before you go disregarding someone’s heart remember the feelings you spare may be your own.

If you have an opinion or if you can share your perspective and provide further insight as to why this happens please feel free to enlighten and share.