SHE Confession #9: Broken

He once loved me intensely.  As a result of that love a jealousy and fear grew within me.  I always knew I never wanted to feel what it would be like to be without his love… I knew I would shatter to pieces if I ever discovered he loved another as or more intensely than he loved me.  I knew there were others and though it thoroughly pissed me off, I knew they were not me so I weathered through it.  I knew their exchanges didn't measure up to a tenth of the love we had between us. That all changed the day I discovered her existence.

She was the one that set everything in motion.  She changed us for good. She changed our bond, our love, our marriage and our family permanently.  She affected us in ways that I can’t even begin to express.  She had impeccable timing that became his everything, all that he looked forward to.  Until this very day I wonder if they know the magnitude and the devastation they caused….most likely not. I’m sure she couldn't have given even one single damn.

She was the one he now called with excitement when it used to be me.  She was the one that motivated him to make frequent trips to the corner store (so he could freely answer her missed calls).  She motivated him to return to our marriage bed just before dawn and sometimes not at all.  Over time I began to see the extra effort he was making in his appearance for her that he once made for me.

Their need for each other although a complete bliss for them, started a deterioration within me.  I allowed their nascent romance to rob me of my aspirations and my dreams.  He was so embedded within me that without him I now felt so broken.  I no longer wanted anything to do with what reminded me of them, even if that meant him too. Our home became a cold reminder of what was, what could be but, now isn't. It became an emotive prison and I wanted out.

I became so emotionally weak but, my heart became hardened.  To him and everyone else I appeared bitter, stubborn and strong willed. Inside I was dying and trying so hard not to breakdown.  I allowed their actions to strip my self-worth, self-respect and confidence.  A once self-assured woman now diffident and weak. Alone I remain for no one could ever be him to me, no one could ever be us.  It’s been well over seven years now and broken I remain.

Copyright: BDS / 123RF Stock Photo

On the Deficit Side of SHE Versus HE

Has this ever happened to you? Where you ever that HE/SHE?

*HE pursued you for what you thought was a relationship when HE was just rebounding with you.

*HE said he didn't want a serious relationship but, HE got married six month later.

*HE said HE wanted a serious relationship but, HE was already married to someone else.

*HE was with you for over a decade, marriage, kids and all. Yet, HE was never fully committed in his heart.

*HE never wanted anything really. HE was just lonely and simply wanted sex.

*HE couldn't handle your love due to his own insecurities and issues.

*HE was almost too good to be true until his dark secret was revealed.

*HE just stop calling....til this day you still don't know why.

*HE was abusive, controlling, jealous....just all kinds of wrong.

*HE loved you & SHE & her & her too.

*HE was too wounded to ever love you or anyone else for that matter.

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*SHE loved you but, wanted him and her freedom more.

*SHE didn't love you SHE only loved the last thing you did for her.

*SHE was too self-absorbed to love anyone else.

*SHE used you as her rebound only to return back to him

*SHE said you don't do it for her anymore.

*SHE had too many insecurities about herself that she couldn't love anyone else.

*SHE pretended to be someone SHE wasn't then the real SHE showed up.

*SHE didn't know how to relate to HE for she lacked positive role models.

*SHE no longer met your physical needs. Intimacy became a chore for SHE.

*SHE woke up one day and decided that motherhood and marriage was not her deal anymore.

*SHE said you wasn't good enough.

Love Expiration

There comes a time when two people have to realize that the expiration date between them is now progressively upon them. When one has to look back and assess the entire relationship and truly analyze if what one has between them is really real or worth it anymore. Is one living a lie? Is that magic really over and is there absolutely no hope of rekindling the relationship? Could it be that one has finally realized that they are never on the same page with SHE/HE about anything anymore? One might be saying and wanting one thing while the other may be desiring something totally different?

Sometimes couples find or think that it is simply easier to agree to disagree or go down the infamous silent treatment route. Living a mundane life like this with someone is sure to have a stifling effect on ones spirits. Many fail to realize that people simply grow apart. This is the point where it is vital to take a second look at your relationship and stop ignoring the bad or what is simply not good or working anymore regarding the two of you. This is something we often do in relationships and wonder how we got here. How did one get to this no man’s land of total disconnect where each day one is left feeling like you are just going through the motions, almost feeling like one is not really living or being one’s full self or potential. It’s like being in a situation that is no longer right, like living in a monotonous hell or emotional prison. It creeps up on you like some sort of depression or frustration that you cannot seem to put into words. This is where you have to ask yourself a few more questions:

*What exactly is holding or keeping the both of you together?

*Is it the love for each other, family and finances that's keeping you there or is it simply a force of habit or the creature of comfort?

*Could it be that one is afraid to exist and not coexist?

*Do you feel that the glue that held you both together is unraveling at lightning speed?

*Do you feel that there was always something your partner was holding back and kept him/her from truly being “in” the relationship you deserve or vice versa?

It’s important to ask oneself these questions when such feelings are racing through one’s mind on a day to day basis. Life is too short to live in this manner. One owes it to oneself and one’s mate to be the best that they can be and demand that it be reciprocated in return. Perhaps things are not as bad as one might believe. Perhaps it is just a matter of sorting through all those misunderstandings and believing in the value of the relationship by first figuring out where one first went wrong. Like putting on the rose colored glasses for the betterment of your love investment, like revaluating as well as working hard to rebuild one’s relationship.

If one feels that they have done all there is to mentally and physically do, then it’s time to recognize that it is imperative one loves themselves and their significant other enough to know when it’s time to let go. It does not mean that we are a failure or that we failed one another. Sometimes we have to admit that it truly does happen to the best of us. Don’t allow guilt to stagnate the long overdue decision. Love one another enough to recognize one’s love expiration.