SHE Confession #8: The Disarray of Matrimony

I loved two men in my life. I loved them enough to marry them. I also even loved them enough to divorce them just as well. The first marriage was in my late teens and ended before I was even legal to drink. The latter I married a few years shortly after. Both of those marriages painfully ended to my dismay. I take the brunt of the blame. Reason being, my selection process. Although they were very different in many ways, it was like I had chosen the exact same man twice.

I believed both men truly loved me but, not enough to give up their bachelor like ways. They were both men who thrived for the nightlife and lived for the streets, seven days a week. They both had the mentality that this is who they were and I just had to accept it if I wanted to be in their world. Neither one of them disclosed such behavior when we were courting. Perhaps they did but, the dopamine high affected my better judgment. I was also naive in thinking I could try to change either of them. I tried a series of things in both marriages. I tried talking it out, expressing my feelings, fighting about it and lastly, I tried the two can play that game strategy. Neither of these things ever really worked.

After going through the dissatisfaction of failing marriage number two, I finally realized that it was wrong of me to expect change from someone who didn't want to change or feel the need for the change. I had to learn to try to accept people for who they are. I can choose to deal with them as they are or I can choose not to. What made me finally move on from the second marriage was when I realized that I was doing all the compromising and through all the compromising I lost my sense of self, who I was along the way.

Depression had set in and I was not characteristically recognizable to those who knew and loved me. So after two decades of marriage I mustered up the courage to leave. I left him not because I stopped loving him; I left because I had to start loving me again. Leaving him was about reclaiming my sense of self-worth back, becoming strong and whole again. If by chance I should have a go at love again, hopefully it will be with someone whose values fit with my own or one that is willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

Image credit: fuzzbones / 123RF Stock Photo

HE Confession #3: SHE, the Bitch I Never Knew

SHE left me disenchanted. Her actions ripped my perception of who I thought SHE was to pieces. It changed my reality, our existence. SHE was unintentionally tested by me. SHE failed and, miserably I might add. SHE took what we had between us…what I thought was beyond any monetary value and, reduced us like some outdated piece of technology. 

We became a thing of yesterday…obsolete. Just like that… I sometimes watch her bask in her own delight from a distance and think oh, what a Bitch SHE is! A Bitch no doubt… Then I came to my senses and realized I’m just simply chagrined by it all. 

I’m still very much in love with the idea of who I thought SHE was.  The truth of the matter is SHE is not a bitch at all. SHE is still the same SHE that SHE always has been. A SHE I refused to initially see. Instead of continuously harboring ill feelings for her, I can now only want to wish her well. For if SHE was not being SHE I would not have been the involuntary recipient of clarity, a parting gift that SHE so graciously left. Staring at me was the true Bitch, my denial... 
Image credit: blanarum / 123RF Stock Photo

On the Deficit Side of SHE Versus HE

Has this ever happened to you? Where you ever that HE/SHE?

*HE pursued you for what you thought was a relationship when HE was just rebounding with you.

*HE said he didn't want a serious relationship but, HE got married six month later.

*HE said HE wanted a serious relationship but, HE was already married to someone else.

*HE was with you for over a decade, marriage, kids and all. Yet, HE was never fully committed in his heart.

*HE never wanted anything really. HE was just lonely and simply wanted sex.

*HE couldn't handle your love due to his own insecurities and issues.

*HE was almost too good to be true until his dark secret was revealed.

*HE just stop calling....til this day you still don't know why.

*HE was abusive, controlling, jealous....just all kinds of wrong.

*HE loved you & SHE & her & her too.

*HE was too wounded to ever love you or anyone else for that matter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*SHE loved you but, wanted him and her freedom more.

*SHE didn't love you SHE only loved the last thing you did for her.

*SHE was too self-absorbed to love anyone else.

*SHE used you as her rebound only to return back to him

*SHE said you don't do it for her anymore.

*SHE had too many insecurities about herself that she couldn't love anyone else.

*SHE pretended to be someone SHE wasn't then the real SHE showed up.

*SHE didn't know how to relate to HE for she lacked positive role models.

*SHE no longer met your physical needs. Intimacy became a chore for SHE.

*SHE woke up one day and decided that motherhood and marriage was not her deal anymore.

*SHE said you wasn't good enough.

Love in 2012

As I take a look back at the past year, I observed some trends regarding relationships between men and women. Things, I have noticed in the relationships of others as well as my own. I have been observing, interviewing and analyzing a few things about men and women when it comes to dating and relationships. It appeared to me that, the relations between men and women have reached an alarming state. No matter how I try to optimistically view things, I kept coming back to the same disappointing reality. The reality that the more you put your feelings on the line for someone or the minute you happen to show you have an ounce of care or concern regarding the other person you might as well consider that the death of the relationship that never was. What is it? Are we afraid of real love. Are we looking at love or a relationship as some sort of big bad monster or the Bogey Man?
Don't get me wrong, there is still a rare breed of She/Hes who still respond to actual positive interactions and affection. There are still a few of us out there that still respond to daily forms of affection or communication. There are even some who don't immediately perceive such frequent communication or affection as borderline stalking and start running for the hills. With all the communication vices at our finger tips, it just seems to appear that we are becoming more detached and distant from one another.
In 2012 I challenge each of you to do better in communicating with SHE/HE. I challenge you to be upfront and sincere about who you are and what you want out of your relationships, whether it be a casual one or a serious one. I challenge you to be clear and concise and leave the mixed smoke signals in 2011 where they belong along with the years before it. Remember, your interactions with others can be complicated or it can be simplistic. The energy you put into it is the energy and karma you get back and that is truly the bottom line. So if you move with love, light and positivity, the odds of you getting that in return are far greater than if you move with calculated, dark and negative intentions.
It's real simple, be what you hope for. It really does begin with you. If you didn't get the outcome you were anticipating then it's okay. It just means that the situation is not for you or it's not the right time. Let's do our part individually while working collectively to have better relations in 2012. If it didn't work for you in 2011, let it go. If it didn't yield the results or the returns you hoped for, let it go and with no bitterness and regrets either. Release and let the love in. May we have all the love and blessings that our hearts desire in 2012 and the following years to come. Happy New Year Everyone.

Love Expiration

There comes a time when two people have to realize that the expiration date between them is now progressively upon them. When one has to look back and assess the entire relationship and truly analyze if what one has between them is really real or worth it anymore. Is one living a lie? Is that magic really over and is there absolutely no hope of rekindling the relationship? Could it be that one has finally realized that they are never on the same page with SHE/HE about anything anymore? One might be saying and wanting one thing while the other may be desiring something totally different?

Sometimes couples find or think that it is simply easier to agree to disagree or go down the infamous silent treatment route. Living a mundane life like this with someone is sure to have a stifling effect on ones spirits. Many fail to realize that people simply grow apart. This is the point where it is vital to take a second look at your relationship and stop ignoring the bad or what is simply not good or working anymore regarding the two of you. This is something we often do in relationships and wonder how we got here. How did one get to this no man’s land of total disconnect where each day one is left feeling like you are just going through the motions, almost feeling like one is not really living or being one’s full self or potential. It’s like being in a situation that is no longer right, like living in a monotonous hell or emotional prison. It creeps up on you like some sort of depression or frustration that you cannot seem to put into words. This is where you have to ask yourself a few more questions:

*What exactly is holding or keeping the both of you together?

*Is it the love for each other, family and finances that's keeping you there or is it simply a force of habit or the creature of comfort?

*Could it be that one is afraid to exist and not coexist?

*Do you feel that the glue that held you both together is unraveling at lightning speed?

*Do you feel that there was always something your partner was holding back and kept him/her from truly being “in” the relationship you deserve or vice versa?

It’s important to ask oneself these questions when such feelings are racing through one’s mind on a day to day basis. Life is too short to live in this manner. One owes it to oneself and one’s mate to be the best that they can be and demand that it be reciprocated in return. Perhaps things are not as bad as one might believe. Perhaps it is just a matter of sorting through all those misunderstandings and believing in the value of the relationship by first figuring out where one first went wrong. Like putting on the rose colored glasses for the betterment of your love investment, like revaluating as well as working hard to rebuild one’s relationship.

If one feels that they have done all there is to mentally and physically do, then it’s time to recognize that it is imperative one loves themselves and their significant other enough to know when it’s time to let go. It does not mean that we are a failure or that we failed one another. Sometimes we have to admit that it truly does happen to the best of us. Don’t allow guilt to stagnate the long overdue decision. Love one another enough to recognize one’s love expiration.

Social Networking and the Relationship Upheaval

In the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" Drew Barrymore's character says:

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work. So I called him at home. Then he emailed me to my blackberry and so I text it to his cell. Now, you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by 7 different technologies....It's exhausting."

It’s true; relationships between men and women can be complicated enough. Then you add in the modern technologies of voicemails, emails, texting along with social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, and then things can really get complicated.

I have a few questions to ask once again. I really need your insight on this one. By you leaving your 2 cents on this you wont believe how you maybe helping others, including myself. Here goes:

*If you’re married/in a relationship how you do handle the status situation on social networking sites?

*How do handle opposite sex “friends”, their friend request or comments on social networking sites?

*Should married/in a relationship couples get a joint social networking account?

*Do you have a problem with him/her having access to your cell phone?

*Do you think it is o.k. for a guy/girl in new relationship to text constantly when they can simply call? (I’m talking get to know you long, continuous text).

*Should someone end a relationship via email or text?

*Is it o.k. to find out what your significant other is thinking or really feeling about through his/her status or tweet along with everyone else?

*How do handle password situations?

*How should couples handle all the social movement and its technology?

Many couples have different views on these questions that often end up in bitter arguments. These are just a few questions for now. Some of my questions may sound silly but, these questions seem to be the center of hot topics as well as heated arguments with many couples of late. Feel free to add your question and please, leave your comments.

Harsh Cheating Punishment…You Decide.

I had to put a quick post in for this one...(lol). Imagine if one cheated and this how one had to sorry in this manner. I guess this is something to make many think twice.

Relationship Limbo on the Road to Where?

Here's two neat, yet simplistic videos that touches on topics that many of us who are in tumultuous relationships seem to keep pondering on from time to time. You see, when two people are together, and they say they love each other but, seem to be at war more often than at peace. When you have a situation where it appears to be more bickering and frustration than a real loving exchange. It can be very much like the "War of the Roses" or a "Thin Line Between Love & Hate". Often refusing to communicate, refusing to listen or compromise. Often wondering what is the glue that keeps you together and is that bond worth all the pain and frustration.



A few questions to brew on:

*Why stay together if one is not willing to make changes for the better?

*Why make each other miserable if neither one is willing to live up to each others expectations of each other?

*Why is it so easy for one to only see their pain but not the pain they inflict on the other?

If you find yourself at a crossroads and you still feel stuck and you need a little help along the way please be sure to read: A Means to a Mend

5 Suggested Tips on How to "Date" or "Court" Each Other

Whether you have just started seeing each other, newly married or a veteran at the matrimony thing, I think it is important to make time to still “Date” one another. Remember back in the day, when our elders use to actually "Court" each other? I feel it is so imperative to always try and slow down from life’s daily hustle and bustle and get that quality time in with one another. Try not to even make it an option. I feel it helps keep the relationship fresh and the communication and passion flourishing.

Here are 5 suggestions on how to continuously "Date" or "Court" each other:

Tip #1. Don’t make your date itinerary a routine or a duty either. Always try something new if possible. If unable to...switch it up a bit with a little added twist and rotate the activities or outings. Make it fun.

Tip #2. Get creative and use your imagination and resources. I do understand that this can be a difficult feat (especially when a night out with the Boys/Girls) seems more appealing. All you can really do is try to make an assertive effort and you’ll be surprise how she/he will come around and may begin to look forward to your dates.

Tip #3. Plan your date night and plan a separate night out with the Boys/Girls so that there is balance. A separate night out with ones peers is necessary from time to time.

Tip #4. If an important scheduled "Date Night" or "Boys/Girls Night" event conflicts with each other, have some leniency with one other and make a joint decision to alternate or swap days.

Tip #5. Try and do things you both like, try some of things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Also, alternate between what you like and what they like with the hopes of appreciating or understanding each others interest even more.

So those are my 5 suggested tips. Feel free to comment with tips and suggestions of your own. Lastly, be sure to have fun loving, appreciating and re-discovering each other all over again.

Discovering The Ugly Truth

When it comes to the "She Versus He" movement and my quest to help us understand each other, I found another great romantic comedy to check out called “The Ugly Truth”. Check out the movie synopsis below:

Abby Richter (Katherine Heigl) is a romantically challenged morning show producer whose search for Mr. Perfect has left her hopelessly single. She's in for a rude awakening when her bosses team her with Mike Chadway (Gerard Butler), a hardcore TV personality who promises to spill the ugly truth on what makes men and women tick.

When a Bond Has Been Compromised

In a relationship, you find someone that you trust and you consider them to be your most highly regarded confidant. You share with them some of your deepest secrets and embedded insecurities that you wouldn’t dare share with anyone else. Such a gesture does not come about by doing small act or feat either. They earned this privilege by gaining your heart and your trust over time.

Everyday isn’t always a good day between two people. The two of you may not always see eye to eye. It may even get to the point where issues and conflicts become frequent visitors in your relationship. These communication isues shouldn’t really make much a difference right? After all, they are your most cherished confidant right?

Well, what do you do when your most cherished confidant goes and compromise your trust? This often occurs as a result of anger or some emotional based revenge. The very same secrets you shared with them are now being thrown back at you to hurt you. The very same insecurities that you divulged are now being used against you. What do you do when you are constantly being undermined by this person you love? What do you do when they use words to emotionally hurt or manipulate you because they know just exactly how to do it?

Do you:

a) Try your best to work it out by figuring out the emotional root of the constant betrayal and decide to forgive and forget.

b) Do you give them a spoonful of their own emotionally fatal medicine?

c) Do you acknowledge this as emotional abuse and decide to cut your losses and let go of the emotional roller coaster?

I would love to hear your answer and see how you would handle things……..

To Sacrifice On the Strength of a Commitment

Agreeing with Nelia in her post called: The Sacrifice Myth that a relationship between two people should be an “exchange of value”. I’m sure many go into it with that preconceived notion at least. However, many are often left feeling like it was more of a sacrifice in end as a result. I particularly like the way the definition of sacrifice is defined. “A sacrifice is the decision to give up something in return for something of lower value.” This sums it up in one sentence. This is how many are often left feeling when relations end in a disarray.

Yes, one should value what the other brings to the relationship. By all means the best way to show appreciation for ones worth is by reciprocating. But, you see this is where it gets a little tricky…. It appears that there is an assortment of us that are either wired differently or perhaps got the wrong memo. There are so many failed relationships due to the fact that someone in the magnificent duo forgot to value the others worth.

Even when that happens we continue to “add to the picnic” (as Nelia cleverly put it) with the hopes that things will change and get better. This often leaves us anticipating that our partner “will bring something to the picnic that we will finally enjoy” in other words changes for the better or evolve into relationship material.

So here are a few questions to ponder on:

When you love someone should you just give up after constantly coming up short at the picnic? Should one keep bringing the goods for the sake of sacrifice and the commitment to the relationship? Should one keep doing and hope the other will learn by example and eventually catch on? Should one just cut their losses and find a new picnic partner? Now, if one does that then does one run the risk of possible negative relationship patterns like mentioned in the above post. The risk of ending up with someone from that assortment of us that are either wired differently or perhaps got the wrong memo.

The Putrid Effect of an Ego

He loves me …he loves me not…She loves me…she loves me not. Many of us are not just sitting back picking petals off of a beautiful flower, wondering if the one who has enthralled our hearts truly loves us or not. The more prevalent question that seems to be demanding an immediate answer is just exactly how much. To what dept or degree does this pertinent individual actual love and feel for one? This I must say is a question that everyone has had to ask at some given point in a relationship. It doesn't matter who you are, where you are, if you are a man or a woman you must have had to ask yourselves this very same question. Actually some of us may find ourselves asking this question far too often, more so than we would actually like to.

Different things can spark or bring on the doubts and questions. Often our expectations of others lead us to doubt those we love and those that love us. Especially, when we feel that the people we love are falling short of what we feel they should be doing or bringing to the relationship. When in actuality it is often our past experiences that bring us to the brink. The brink of getting so caught up that we are just left standing with our insecurities and uncertainties to comfort us instead the person we love.

Another villain in relationships is our egos. Egos can be so huge and fatal that it can rob a relationship of its splendor and essence. An ego has the power to blind, mute, deaf and cause temporary memory loss in a relationship. An ego can cause you to no longer see what made you love the person in the first place. An ego can cause momentary loss of speech. When a simple sorry or I love you is needed an ego can silence one and prevent the words from coming out or ever being heard. An ego can make your partners words become some irrelevant like, annoying background noise that you just don’t want to hear anymore. The damage of an ego can be so grave that it causes one to forget why it all even mattered in the first place.

Now with the new found understanding of just how severe an ego can be to a relationship, don’t let it be a hindrance in yours. After all this is the person one truly loves right? Why can’t one just let all guards down, break all barriers and just simply be? No egos, no attitudes and insecurities allowed…It begins with us first and our love ones will follow. Just release and just be with and have the love that one was meant to have!

What A Guy Is Really Saying

O.k...Perhaps that's not all that guys think about or is really saying. Quite close maybe?

Scales and Balances of the Heart

I was having a casual debate about relationships with a friend of the opposite sex. We had a host of exchanges bouncing back and forth. You see, when it comes to relationships you rarely find a shared consensus when males and females point of views are involved. We could not agree on much of anything. Who wants to give in to the other side? He actually had the bravado to go on and say that "When it comes to a relationship between two people, there is always one person who loves more than the other." I immediately disagreed and replied with such assurance to his comment because; I did not want to believe that such a thing could even be remotely true. "When one truly cares for someone it should be sincere" I said "When it comes to relationships everything should be 50/50 right?........Love is love correct, or is it truly a constant game that ones not sure they really ever wanted to play in the first place?".............

Well, I will have to reluctantly admit that some years later after experiencing and witnessing the trials and tribulations of relationship matters both mine and others around me, that he was indeed correct. I now admit my observations with additional findings.... Yes, he was correct but, that unbalanced scale of lust, love or whatever one chooses to call it, can shift in the course of a relationship at any given time. So when one thinks that they are more at the receiving and advantageous end of the Relationship Scale beware, because overnight in the bat of an eyelash, one might find themselves at the less appealing end of the relationship measuring stick. One might find themselves reluctantly on the the least lucrative side of the emotional scale.

So word to the wise. Don't get too comfortable with putting minimal effort and think that ones partner is going to always go above and beyond for ones love and attention. The moral of this story is: Do unto others as you want done to yourself when it comes to matters of the heart. Karma can come back and give you something that you did not anticipate and send you on an bitter sweet emotional whirlwind.

Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the most- Gordon Livington

Finding Out Why He's Just Not That Into You

“He's Just Not That Into You” is perhaps one of best portrayals that I’ve seen in a long time of men and women relationships. This movie kept me engaged from beginning to end. There are several points in various areas of the movie where both men and women can at some point relate to. Even if you think you wouldn’t be interested in this movie or didn’t want to be, I guarantee you surely will be. He's Just Not That Into You has a star packed cast but my favorites were Ginnifer Goodwin and Justin Long. Ginnifer Goodwin (Gigi) does an excellent job portraying that girl who, after tons of mixed messages from a guy becomes the obsessed stalker type girlfriend.

see also: SHE Confession #2: Another Missed Connection

Sasusaku wp by ~RavenxCorpse on deviantART

I truly love this Artist interpretation on the true emotions that exist daily between male and females no matter the age group. A great example of how the emotional balance yet different, some how finds a way to compliment each other.

Artist RavenxCorpse wanted to make a conception in connection with them. She shows the differences between them. Sakura has a nice personality, and she annoys the hell out of Sasuke with her love. On the other hand, Sasuke-kun is an avenger, and he doesn't seem to care about things, except his revenge. The Artist feels they are like day and night, so this idea inspired her to do this piece. She says she loves opposites; Sakura’s side being the cheerful and girlish one, and Sasuke’s side being the darker, and boyish one. In my interpretation of this piece I see a love that is so precious and that many of us often share. Although very different, day & night, positive versus negative, the two have found each others love and manages to make it the most electrifying relationship that some how absolutely works against all odds.....yup I got all that from gazing at this piece.

Emotional Differences

Man and Woman Idea by ~cqueror on deviantART

Note: how the guy has a club where his heart is suppose to be. I guess that means he has his mind on partying, bars, night clubs etc. Anything but a commitment. Whereas, the girl has a heart where a heart should be and her focus is on a true emotional connection, settling down and nothing but a commitment.