SHE Confession #7: I Just Can't Anymore

I'm not feeling this between us anymore. I have been let down and disregarded so many times in my past and now you too... Was it naive of me to think you were incapable of doing the same? I guess...I have tried my best to always be there for you when you needed someone to talk to, someone to care or just simply be there. You know it really wasn't no task at all, for I hung onto every word that you so much as even uttered from your beautiful lips.

I thought I had the same in you but, in return you disappointed me… You fell out of my life once again. You checked out once more. As life with me became too much for you to bear you just simply stopped calling. Not once did you seem to care what was going on with me. What you had going on was all that seem to truly matter anyways.

Loving you was a certainty that I would be there. I respected your need to do things differently and handle things your own way. At the same time your actions forced me to realize what works for me and this one-way surely doesn't anymore. Walking out of my life and strolling back when it is conducive for you…really?

During your hiatus I reached out to you because I needed you, I needed someone to talk to, someone to just listen with care… Instead you were nowhere to be found because, you were busy doing you. This last time you showed up expecting to get back in, back to when we were at our ultimate high. I just simply can't keep doing this again and again, I just can no longer do us. Not because I don't love you anymore. Hell, I still do...maybe even more. I just can't endure the pain anymore. This whole thing has got me so weak...I can't foresee me ever trusting you as I once did and that is why I just can't anymore.  

The Night the Dance Ended

I'm sure finding love is attainable at any age. However, is there an expiration date on this whole dating thing? At what point is it possible to consider that one may be getting a pinch too old for this? Is there a point where one realizes they should have settled down with that special someone long ago? That point where one is forced to leave the game. Not because you wanted to but, because the game has forcefully retired you.

American Horror Story character, Fiona Goode played by (Jessica Lange) has this compelling scene in the episode appropriately named "The Replacements" that depicts this exact realization. It takes place in a dark Louisiana lounge. Fiona sits at the bar sipping her choice of spirits, while inhaling her surroundings as she exhales the smoke from her ciggy. She sits alone and unnoticed while the younger women at that very same bar are being approached. Suddenly, a handsome man comes towards her smiling. She takes note and prepares to be acknowledged only to realize that handsome man was making his way to the more youthful woman seated beside her. Feeling a bit foolish, it is then that she comes to the realization that she is an aging woman who no longer possess the "it" factor she once had. Her outer beauty has matured and to her dismay it's fading more rapidly that she would like to accept.

 (As she sips her drink her thoughts are narrated and she looks around the room)

 "It's a dance, a dance no one ever had to teach me. A dance I've known since I first saw my reflection in my father's eyes. My partners have been princes and starving artists, Greek Gods and clowns and every one of them certain they lead. But, it's always my dance. I make the first move, which is no move at all. I've always just understood that they will eventually find themselves in front of me. Primitive, beautiful animals. Their bodies responding to the inevitability of it all. It's my dance and I have performed it with finesse and abandon with countless partners. Only the faces change. And all this time, I never suspected the night would come when the dance would end."

When do you think your dance should end or will you dance until your inner music stops?

HE Confession #3: SHE, the Bitch I Never Knew

SHE left me disenchanted. Her actions ripped my perception of who I thought SHE was to pieces. It changed my reality, our existence. SHE was unintentionally tested by me. SHE failed and, miserably I might add. SHE took what we had between us…what I thought was beyond any monetary value and, reduced us like some outdated piece of technology. 

We became a thing of yesterday…obsolete. Just like that… I sometimes watch her bask in her own delight from a distance and think oh, what a Bitch SHE is! A Bitch no doubt… Then I came to my senses and realized I’m just simply chagrined by it all. 

I’m still very much in love with the idea of who I thought SHE was.  The truth of the matter is SHE is not a bitch at all. SHE is still the same SHE that SHE always has been. A SHE I refused to initially see. Instead of continuously harboring ill feelings for her, I can now only want to wish her well. For if SHE was not being SHE I would not have been the involuntary recipient of clarity, a parting gift that SHE so graciously left. Staring at me was the true Bitch, my denial... 
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