SHE Confession #6: A Solemn Stance on Love

It's been difficult to write about relationships and my thoughts regarding them for quite some time lately. My inability to do so wasn't so much so that I had some sort of writer's block. It's actually quite the opposite. I actually have so much to say or so much on my mind regarding relationships as a whole. I've been boggled down with my own personal feelings on the matter that, I have not been able to funnel through it. I just can't seem to make sense of it all, or where to begin. Partly being, is that I'm learning to emotionally let go. Holding on to a certain something or someone has been one of my biggest muse when it comes to writing about relationships. Letting go of what had been my drug, my main source of inspiration....my emotional addiction. It was one of the hardest things I had to do and like with any addiction every new day is an entirely new struggle. Holding on too long has been a downfall of mine.

I honestly have to say that there are truly many depths of love. You can love people for totally different reasons. However, when love is staring you in the face you truly know it without a doubt. Love makes you want to give even when there is nothing to gain in return. At the same time love can sting when it's not returned in equal or even a remote measure. While love can be so beautiful it can be equally dismal.   

On the Deficit Side of SHE Versus HE

Has this ever happened to you? Where you ever that HE/SHE?

*HE pursued you for what you thought was a relationship when HE was just rebounding with you.

*HE said he didn't want a serious relationship but, HE got married six month later.

*HE said HE wanted a serious relationship but, HE was already married to someone else.

*HE was with you for over a decade, marriage, kids and all. Yet, HE was never fully committed in his heart.

*HE never wanted anything really. HE was just lonely and simply wanted sex.

*HE couldn't handle your love due to his own insecurities and issues.

*HE was almost too good to be true until his dark secret was revealed.

*HE just stop calling....til this day you still don't know why.

*HE was abusive, controlling, jealous....just all kinds of wrong.

*HE loved you & SHE & her & her too.

*HE was too wounded to ever love you or anyone else for that matter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*SHE loved you but, wanted him and her freedom more.

*SHE didn't love you SHE only loved the last thing you did for her.

*SHE was too self-absorbed to love anyone else.

*SHE used you as her rebound only to return back to him

*SHE said you don't do it for her anymore.

*SHE had too many insecurities about herself that she couldn't love anyone else.

*SHE pretended to be someone SHE wasn't then the real SHE showed up.

*SHE didn't know how to relate to HE for she lacked positive role models.

*SHE no longer met your physical needs. Intimacy became a chore for SHE.

*SHE woke up one day and decided that motherhood and marriage was not her deal anymore.

*SHE said you wasn't good enough.

SHE Confession #5: True Love...Absolute Truth or Myth

True Love...is it real? Does it truly exist? Imaginably, it is easy to assume that it is just a fantasy or myth. Perhaps it is merely something that great fairy-tales are made of. If "True Love" is in fact real, does it ever last or does it simply wear off by some specific time frame? Is it like a momentary phase that is sure to pass and guaranteed to not linger on? Is it more like a grand facade, a huge deceptive web filled with deception? A deceptive, delusional spell that disorientates it’s victims into a distorted reality. Forcing you to wear rose tinted glasses with a rosy outlook in tow. The tail end result are: gross misconceptions, huge arguments, horrid break-ups. and bitter divorces.

This is coming from a person who has waited for what appears to be centuries for "True Love" that is long lasting, with a close resemblance to eternity. I have waited for "True Love" to show up and show out, for "True Love" to show its exquisite and astonishing face. Yet, to no avail…instead I was met with lack luster imposters who tried to mimic and do their best at their rendition of what True Lasting Love should be.

HE Confession #2: What SHE Needs to Realize

I was recently invited to join this fascinating group on Facebook called "Honest Announcements". This group is described as a forum for grown, mature members who want to share their life experiences with others. The topics we often touch on are about love, relationships and oh yes, sex! The moderator states that the average age group is over 30 so therefore the topics are best described as insightful, thought provoking and brutally honest. I have to say it has definitely been all of the before mentioned. While perusing through I found a "HE" perspective I thought I'd share.

WRITTEN BY A GUY : Girls need to realize: We guys don't care if you talk to other guys. We don't care if you're friends with other guys. But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it makes us mad. It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there. We don't care if a guy calls;OR TEXT you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. That it can't wait till the morning. Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it. Don't tell us we're wrong. We'll stop trying to convince you. The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence. Yeah, you can quote me. Don't be mad when we hold the door open. Take Advantage of the mood I'm in. Let us pay for you! don't 'feel bad' We enjoy doing it. It's expected. Smile and say 'thank you. Kiss us when no one's watching. If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed. You don't have to get dressed up for us. If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own. We like you for who you are and not what you are. Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's. or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up. Don't take everything we say seriously. Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it. Don't get angry easily. Stop using magazines/media as your bible. Don't talk about how hot Chris Brown, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us. It's boring, and we don't care. You have girlfriends for that. Whatever happened to the word 'handsome'/'beautiful' i'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with 'Hey handsome!' instead of 'Hey baby/ stud/cutie/sexy' or whatever else you can think of. On the other hand I'm not sayin I wouldn't like it ether. Girls, I cannot stress this enough: if you aren't being treated right by a guy, don't wait for him to change! Ditch his sorry butt, disgrace to the male population and find someone who will treat you with utter respect Someone who will honor your morals. Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest. Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes. Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel. Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes and say 'i love you' and actually mean it. Give the nice guys a chance. Guys re-post this if you agree. Girls re-post this if you think it's cute.. Every Guy who isn't a jerk will agree with this, so we hope that all the girls that read this will re-post this. Life is too short to complain about everything that comes your way so stop and smell the roses in life because you might never have another time to take it, so take your time because they are all different in every way, so take chances in life, if it doesn't work out then fine, there are always more roses to smell.

SHE Confession #4: Wanted...

Bursting with love for him but, all the yet void. Ready to love him while hopefully awaiting his reciprocity, yet empty I remain. Waiting for him to show up and be present but, alone I stand. Wanted to see him one last time to say goodbye, as if it would matter. Instead I choose to remain silent for a different outcome is not destined. Wanted to make love to him one last time so I would cherish that memory along with the many other precious times we have shared. Wanted to make love to him again so I could tell myself it was more than a "on to the next one" type fling. Wanted to be special to him, to be different.

Wanted him to love me, be that "ONE" HE couldn't be without. Wanted to keep holding on and keep praying HE'd love me and want me one day. Wanted to stop wondering if everything I was feeling was just some ish in my head. Wanted to accept whatever HE was willing to give, on his terms, just to be in his grace. Wanted to try and accept the friendship HE was only willing to extend but, my heart wouldn't comfortably let me. Wanted to forget him but, all I continually did and still do is compare him to every other inadequate him. Feeling drained and running on empty because I know my love for him has no merit. Wanted to say or do more than I have already said or done with hopes of a different outcome. Instead, no final words spoken or needed cause with time the definitive nature of it all will still be.

HE Confession #1:When a Man Is In Love

Love can be fun, great, or make you hurt profusely, but love is a term that used too loosely. When does a man know he's in love? Is it in his silence of her or the things he speaks of? A man knows he's in love without a shadow of a doubt when he's away from her and he can't be without. Without the warmth of her body, the sound of her voice, that leaves him in a trance. If she was a mountain of love he would be satisfied with a stone of romance. A man knows he's in love when it's not all about money, games, and fun. It's when he realizes he has a Jet Li and she is the ONE.....

Are You Struggling with a Natural Addiction?

I came across an interesting blog post by a popular Atlanta Gossip Blogger by the name of Sandra Rose. I don't always agree with Sandra or what she has to say but, I admire her for having the guts to say or express what she feels. In that respect, many of us could take a page from her book because we all know how keeping stuff in is such a killer.....I will address that in another post...focus, focus! 

Anyways, this particular post caught my attention because it's one of those post that although familiar information, it causes bells to go off or better yet an epiphany to occur. In this piece Sandra addresses how many of us who may feel we are living a drug free life may be shocked to realize just how far from reality that is. Many of us have a natural drug addiction and we don't even realize it. If you think you might fit the bill click here. .....seeking possible rehab options as you read on.

SHE Confession #3: Valentine's Day...Not So Much!

Well it's Valentine's Day again and I don't have a Valentine. Part of me is okay with that and part of me is a tad bit....I don't know. I don't know because, having or not having a Valentine to me is not that big of a deal. It is actually what not having one signifies that gets me a bit. The reality that I don't have someone to love and someone to equally love me back.

Honestly, I'm in the middle on this whole Valentine's thing. A part of me dislikes the fact that a vast majority of us run around on one day a year only and make a big deal about lust, romance and love. We go through great measures just to show a person one day a year that we care about them. How corny is that! I'm just saying, really.... If you truly have these enormous feelings for them why does one have to fall victim to commercialism and show love on one day because everyone else is doing so? Doesn't it demean the whole idea?

Don't get me wrong since I'm all for the "Love Movement" and better relations between men and women, anything that promotes love I co-sign. I'm not some Valentine Scrooge just because I'm Valentineless. I just want to know what's up with showing your love, care or concern daily? If someone has my heart, HE does not have to wait until "V"day to know I care. HE will have numerous love letters, emails, text and simple daily acts of love from me to show for it. "Why wait for tomorrow, with what you could do today?" For tomorrow is not promised or guaranteed. You may never have the opportunity to do it again, say it again or be with that person again. Cherish each moment as though it were your last. Don't fall in sync and do what's expected for one day and then go back to whatever it was you weren't doing before....and no I'm not amped because I'm Valentineless.....yes, I made up a word.

Lastly, while I'm just saying...SHEs if you are going to celebrate Valentine's Day then understand that it is a two-way street. It is not another "SHE" holiday quite to the contrary popular belief. If you are expecting and hoping to receive thoughtful gifts, plans or gestures then I would hope you would represent the SHEs well and have the very same itinerary on deck. Happy Valentine's Day to all my SHEs and HEs. May you have all the love your heart desires. May you have love all year through.

Dating 101- The True Waiting Game

It is often said you should not look for someone. You should let that someone find you. Well if everyone believed in that concept then how would anyone ever find anyone if everyone is just hoping the "ONE" is going to randomly show up? Is this person suppose to show up like some cool breeze on a hot summer night?

I mean really......If that were true why is there so much information geared towards meeting someone out there? Like how to do this or how to that tips/tricks and self help information on finding the "ONE"? Why do services like speed dating, online dating, social meet-ups and other grand schemes to help people connect with each other exist if the "ONE" is supposed to simply find you?

When you finally do meet someone that is only half the battle. Then comes more questions and uncertainties. Do you give them your number first? Do you ask for theirs? Should you wait for them to ask you for yours or should you just exchange numbers?

.......Once you have miraculously figured that out, what should you do next? Based on who has whose number, do you wait for them to call or let them do all the calling so that you can;

a.) see just how much they like or are interested in you

b.) not come off as a stalker or overly eager type

c.) play it cool and just let nature take it's course (whatever that means)

Whew! Now that you have made it past all those what ifs and you now have figured out you might be the one to initiate the first call, do you call right away or is there an official waiting (let me not look too desperate) period? Is there a daily or weekly limit on the frequency of calls that one can make? Whose responsibility is it again to maintain the communication between two people, so that both parties know that they are both interested and excited without appearing like they are doing too much?

Everyone seems to have different approaches or techniques on how things should be done or developed. Some honestly believe that these set systems they have in place actually work for them. I think not!! If that were the case half these people would be all set in the relationship department. I would love to get the answers to my many questions. Perhaps there is an unspoken dating manual out there that I'm just not aware of. I'm interested and curious to know what are some of the different dating rules that you have in place and what works for you when meeting someone?

SHE Confession #2: Another Missed Connection

So I recently met someone. I was ecstatic initially because he appeared to have a vast majority of the qualities that my "Mr Right For Me" was supposed to have. I felt all the bells and whistles go off so I felt like making a public announcement "SHE may have found a man at last!" But....just before I could approve this message, update my relationship status on Facebook or tweet to my followers, I immediately realized this notion was short lived......

When it comes to attraction, surely there is an abundance of eye candy to satisfy ones satiable cravings if need be. However, how rare is it to come across the "ONE" that actually moves you? I'm not just talking about lust here. I'm talking about the kind of person that speaks to your inner spirit, at least that is what I thought. Trust me, it takes a special/unique person to reach or tap into that inner abyss. That inner abyss, that I call my inner spirit might have been off, hallucinating or something because I really thought I was picking up on some serious vibes from HE.

In actuality I was not. I was just running full speed on my emotions and need to fulfill a void I so desire. Well, thank goodness for friends who know you well and can help you reality check yourself from time to time when your sensors are completely off. Anyways, after sharing my situation with two of my closest SHEs, I got instant clarity and had the biggest epiphany! Everything that was being exchanged between HE and I was one sided. There is no mystery here in trying to figure out which side it was that was doing the most exchanges.

You see both my SHE friends help me see that I was carrying feelings from my last attempt at a pseudo relationship into the present situation, needless to say it wasn't cute. So, as an end result I had to do some reflecting, be honest with that SHE in the mirror. I had to see things for what they really are, a one way street headed to nowhere. I had to cut my losses while the getting was good or before the getting got too good, so to speak.

Do I still think of HE at times? Yes. Do I still hope sometimes that HE will see the effervescent light and come around? Yes. However, what I'm no longer doing is being the Gigi character from the movie (He's Not That Into You) waiting for HE to call or hoping to run into HE. I'm not sitting amongst other SHEs trying to over analyze why HE did this, why HE didn't do that or the worst, make excuses for things in an attempt to make oneself feel better. I will adapt one thing from the Gigi character, never to give up on finding love.

Pivotal scene from He's Not That Into You:

Alex: Then, wh...why would you do this? [He's upset and rubs his head.] Oh, sh|t. Why do women do this? Why do they build this stuff up in their minds, take each little thing a guy does and, and, and then twist it into something else...? It's insane! 

[He walks away.]  [There's a long silence between them.]

Gigi: I'd rather be like that than be like you.

Alex: [He walks back to talk to her.] Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?

Gigi: [She stands up and turns to face him.] I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but...at least that means I still care. And, oh, you think you've won because women are...are expendable to you? And you may not get...get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way, either. You have not won; you're alone, Alex! [She grabs her coat and storms to the door, starting to cry.] I may do a lot of stupid sh|t but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are. [She leaves briskly leaving Alex alone.]

Break-Ups and the Unknown.....

Ever dated or had a relationship with someone and as far as you knew things were going great. Then, out of nowhere everything came to a screeching halt? Things just ended abruptly without any explanation whatsoever and it left you wondering what happened. Did it ever leave you with a dozen of unanswered questions? Questions, that left you wondering until this very day as to what went wrong? Well, there is now a site that can help answer all of the above.
This interesting fairly new concept is called "Wot Went Wrong". It's a site geared towards helping people get the feedback and finality that they always wanted. Here you can fill out a simple five step process and Viola! You are well on your way to getting the closure you so needed and it will finally allow you to move on with your life. See for yourself and feel free to let us know how it helped you. 
 ***Update*** Although it may have been a great concept, this site appears to no longer be in operation. I guess it may have been difficult to get the side of the let down to fess up.

SHE Confession #1: Online Dating on POF

I was asked by one of my fishy suitors what my process was for selecting a catch on the POF (Plenty of Fish) dating site was and it left me to thinking about whether or not I even had a process. I actually never thought or looked at it as a process before but, I guess I had in fact had one. Perhaps I can share with you all what my methodology was. You see generally when I get an inbox message. I would first look at the profile pics to determine if there is an attraction or any subtle or overt hints of insanity present :-)

(I know it was a tad bit shallow and perhaps overly cautious, forgive me). Then I moved down to look at the basic descriptors and read what he had written on the profile. If his profile spoke to me (a vibe thing) or something about him sparked my interest I responded. Initially I tried to be polite and respond to everyone at first with a customer service type mentality then I had to quickly realize that this was a dating site and not a place of business lol!

Out of the many fishy suitors I was engulfed by, I had only reached out to maybe two men myself and although they had responded with what seem to be some sort of interest, I think the fact that I initiated the contact made them feel like a fish out of water or like the ball was in their court so to speak. Granted, I never said I wanted to play ball or any games for that matter.

Online dating can be easily considered the drive-thru of the dating world. It comes with it's advantages as well as it's disadvantages. I read where someone said that online dating is a lot more difficult than they had originally thought. I have to agree. The reason being was no one was really focusing on one person. You see in the online arena your odds of finding the right one should increase based on the amount of choices at your disposal right? However, the more eye candy you have dangling in front of you the less chances you have of focusing on one person thus decreasing your chances or the odds of finding a potential mate. With all the distraction going on, your true mate/match could be slipping away unnoticed. It's truly the case of spending too much time getting carried away with the false sense of options that can sometimes slip you by and you end up with nothing.

So would I recommend online dating? Yes. Is it for everyone? No. Everyone that joins a dating site is not always some desperate person or some perv with major issues that they're hiding. Just know that everyone is not really who they represent themselves to be. However, you can actually meet some great people. The experience can be a combination of discouraging and yet addictive at the same time. More could be said about this fishing adventure but, I will leave that for another confession. I must say, in my two month trial period on POF I realized the "ONE" for me was not among these school of fish.

Love in 2012

As I take a look back at the past year, I observed some trends regarding relationships between men and women. Things, I have noticed in the relationships of others as well as my own. I have been observing, interviewing and analyzing a few things about men and women when it comes to dating and relationships. It appeared to me that, the relations between men and women have reached an alarming state. No matter how I try to optimistically view things, I kept coming back to the same disappointing reality. The reality that the more you put your feelings on the line for someone or the minute you happen to show you have an ounce of care or concern regarding the other person you might as well consider that the death of the relationship that never was. What is it? Are we afraid of real love. Are we looking at love or a relationship as some sort of big bad monster or the Bogey Man?
Don't get me wrong, there is still a rare breed of She/Hes who still respond to actual positive interactions and affection. There are still a few of us out there that still respond to daily forms of affection or communication. There are even some who don't immediately perceive such frequent communication or affection as borderline stalking and start running for the hills. With all the communication vices at our finger tips, it just seems to appear that we are becoming more detached and distant from one another.
In 2012 I challenge each of you to do better in communicating with SHE/HE. I challenge you to be upfront and sincere about who you are and what you want out of your relationships, whether it be a casual one or a serious one. I challenge you to be clear and concise and leave the mixed smoke signals in 2011 where they belong along with the years before it. Remember, your interactions with others can be complicated or it can be simplistic. The energy you put into it is the energy and karma you get back and that is truly the bottom line. So if you move with love, light and positivity, the odds of you getting that in return are far greater than if you move with calculated, dark and negative intentions.
It's real simple, be what you hope for. It really does begin with you. If you didn't get the outcome you were anticipating then it's okay. It just means that the situation is not for you or it's not the right time. Let's do our part individually while working collectively to have better relations in 2012. If it didn't work for you in 2011, let it go. If it didn't yield the results or the returns you hoped for, let it go and with no bitterness and regrets either. Release and let the love in. May we have all the love and blessings that our hearts desire in 2012 and the following years to come. Happy New Year Everyone.

She Versus He Goes .Com

Hello faithful followers! I just wanted to announce that there will be a few new things on the horizon for SHE Versus HE. First I want to announce that SHE Versus HE has now got it's permanent home at: http://www.sheversushe.com There are several updates and changes underway so I thank you for your patience. However, many of you are still welcome to come to the blog for post updates. I also would like to invite you follow on facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/sheversushe You can follow me personally on twitter. Please be sure to check back for upcoming post. I have a few interesting topics to share with you, it is surely going to be captivating and thought provoking as ever so don't say I didn't warn you. Until the next episode.....

Ramblings in the Name of “Companionship

Here is a “SHE” Confession that I came across and wanted to share with you all. In this confession, I’m sure that there are some readers that might be able to identify with this piece at some point or another. You may be experiencing these very same situations in your current relationship or lack of thereof. This “SHE” writer, is a talented and expressive writer, who has the ability to really take you where she's coming from. She does this through a series of pieces called the “Confessions of an Insomniac“that she often shares with her Facebook friends. I love her heartfelt; let’s keep it real, style of writing. “SHE” was kind enough to allow me to spot light the full confession here. Proceed below for the“Rambling in the name of “Companionship Confession, Episode 74”:

Confessions of an Insomniac: Episode 74

by Ms. Nakki on Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm

It’s not a secret, at least to me, that I've been discontent with this long-distance thing. I've had a bad history with long distance relationships…apparently. Third time a charm? Ahhhh….NO.


Although my rational mind says that what happens is supposed to happen, my heart aches and right now, I’m in need of companionship. Not the kind that my Sorors, home girls, and home boys provide. Not the kind that I can get simply by making a phone call, either…

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the companionship of someone that moves the mind, heart, and body. That is what I want…and I can’t have it with 700 miles in between. Holding hands every 6 months does NOT a relationship make!

I ask myself over and over again if THIS is what I get for the decisions that I've made in life. I go through the what ifs and the shoulda, coulda, woulda scenarios more than I care to count. I've been patient. I've mastered the art of dating myself…I've gotten myself so many gifts, I dare someone else to get me something that I don’t already have. I sing to myself, I take myself out to dinner, I hold my own damned hands when it’s cold. I open the door for myself; I call myself beautiful and toss back my head so that the sun can give me a kiss good morning. All day, every day.

I’m not desperate because I've made what I want and feel that I need public. I’m not afraid to say that I want or need a man. That doesn't mean that I’m standing around the corner waiting for some aloof guy to come, so that I could jump on him. I’m not going out in the streets looking like I belong in a circus (or in a stage play for the ones that are disillusioned about how their make-up looks), or like I should be in some type of erotic showcase. It’s not me…AND, I’d never want a man to accuse me of tricking him because he woke up next to me and my wig was on the lamp shade. No offense to my wig-wearing friends…but I’m just me, no frills. Plain Jane.

I don’t even want to hear about my “No Frilliness” being the PROBLEM… I know a lot of married women who are no-frills. They didn't need embellishment for someone to profess his love in such a way that he wanted her as his life’s partner. So, make up, high heels, and more revealing clothing is not a necessity to be a “fish that’s not tossed back”. Steve Harvey said that…the analogy is so fitting. Dating is a fishing excursion…are you the keeper or are you the one that gets tossed back into the water? He doesn't discuss the ones that were kept and were poisoned or decaying inside – are those the divorcees or the exes? I digress.

He told me that he’s noticed that I've been pulling away from him. Conversations are not as “easy”, I’m not as talkative or funny, I don’t sound as if I’m glad to hear from him anymore. Lord knows that I can’t keep my feelings bottled up and YES, things have changed. I got that although THIS is something he never expected – falling in love; he doesn't know how to integrate it into his current structure of life. No more taking in the evenings unless he’s running an errand – he doesn't want his daughter to hear him on the phone – she’ll automatically know that he’s talking to a woman. (I can't rationalize that yet...she's 16, not 6!) When he runs those errands and is out and about alone, he sees it as a chance to catch up, albeit briefly. He forgets that there’s someone on the phone that expects and wants his undivided attention: “Can I get a spinach wrap with extra cheese?!” Ok…now what were you saying? “How much?!” Sorry, hold on, ok. I’m back… KETCHUP Ma’aM, please!” OK, ok… “Let me call you back, my parents (my brother, my daughter) are calling”.

And because of these competing priorities, somehow text messaging has become an acceptable manner for conversation. No Thanks…don’t want to kill myself (or anyone else) because I’m trying to converse with you via text message. YES, this meeting is terribly boring, but must I blow my cover by texting entire conversations?! I have arthritis and sometimes my fingers hurt.

I never wanted him to make a choice…I wanted him to learn how to reconcile all of these components of his life: daughter, parents, brother, me. Reconcilable. The thing is…that I can’t do the reconciling… I told him that he doesn't have to choose…EITHER/OR doesn't exist in this situation. There was always the understanding that we're both "package deals". The choice is whether or not he wants to reconcile me with his family. There are not 2 families and I don’t have to be a secret. Perhaps I'm asking for too much and my expectations are misplaced...grasping for straws here.

So, I’m simply “chillin”. Coolin out. Whatever is whatever. When he’s figured out how to reconcile all that is going on in his life, I may be available. Yes, I love him and I love me. If he cannot give me what I’ve articulated to be my basic need…then why am I still pretending that it will change? I am pretending when we talk about the future… I’m pretending like it’s something that I can see on the horizon…I can – that little sailboat that doesn't have wind to push it home. While I chill, my options remain open.
Ramblings in the name of “companionship”…

The Truth That "HE" May Never Tell You

I often anticipate and invite more participation from our “HE” readers. After all, the whole purpose of this blog is so that we can better understand one another when it comes to relationships. Being that I’m a woman I try my best not to get too wrapped up in giving the “SHE” perspective that, somehow I end up leaving the “HE” perspective wavering in the wind. As I continue to remain active in the “Love Movement” I often come across many fascinating blogs that I cannot just simply pass by without mention.

Okay all my “SHEs”, I know many of you are always wondering what‘s going on with “HE”? Why is “HE” behaving the way HE is? If only one knew what “HE” was thinking or feeling about the relationship. Why did "HE" end things the way HE did? Well, I think I have stumbled upon one of the golden secrets of a man’s heart and mentality. Please read below as a "HE" Blogger gives his account on why men often grow cold and shut down at the mere thought of love.

Open Letter: We Confess, We Men Are Afraid of Love

Dear Women:

We hope this letter finds you held securely by the arms of true Love. Love is a beautiful thing. Yet, we hope you realize how difficult it was for the man in your life to fall in Love with you and quite possibly, how difficult it is for him to be in Love with you. Love is difficult for us men. Why? Well, to be honest, Love scares us. We confess it here and now, we men are afraid of Love.

We are especially afraid that we will leap into the abyss of Love first but you will never join us. That we will fall blindly into Love and you will not be there to catch us, to guide us. Most importantly, we fear giving up control. We fear losing ourselves in an emotion we do not fully understand. An emotion that controls us rather than us controlling it.

No man wants to feel like he is falling in Love with you before you are falling in Love with him. And yes, we recognize the hypocrisy of that statement. We still stand by it. We recognize that we are asking you to sacrifice emotionally before us, for us, even if we have not fully demonstrated that you should do so beforehand. cont. here

Avoiding the Ultimate B L (Big Lesson)

When you first meet them, note* I said them and not the ONE. Better yet, let me call them a “BL” which is short for “Big Lesson”. You almost immediately and stupidly, I might add, fall for BL’s game or hex. If you never encountered a BL then consider yourself fortunate. However, in case one crosses your path this is how you will be able to identify them; a BL operates something like this: You meet them and you’re almost instantaneously enticed by their confidence, charm and their seductive ways. Now pay attention, that confidence will draw you in like a magnet, it is often a disguise for arrogance. BL’s always have charm and a tenacious way about them that is sure to have you in some sort of a trance. This comes from many years in the game, a serial player at its best. As for the seduction you will experience with BL, well let’s just say it’s like something beyond words or this lifetime.

A BL has the ability to detect your weakness and insecurities on sight. A BL can sniff this out like a hound and use them against you to reel you in and get you hooked. A BL can get you hooked long enough for them to have their way with you then dispose of you like old news. The sweet gestures that hooked, lined and sunk you are now replaced with a lack of feedback or total avoidance. We clearly saw all the red flags going up all around us at the time but, because BL had already succeeded in hooking us, we were already paralyzed and under their spell. We couldn't shake them even if we wanted to. We all ready brought what BL was selling so we were too far gone to make any sound judgments or decisions.

In the beginning, BL will either pretend to want a real relationship or some may even be up front and say they are not looking for anything serious. However, because of that “CCS” (Confidence, Charm, and Seduction) combo and because this combo is like no other, we don’t even wait for them to play us like a Mattel game. We begin to play mind games on our own selves. We begin to create delusional realities and, we do this with the most complete rationale too! We begin to believe that we have the ability to get them to see the relationship in a new light. That we have the ability to make them want to turn in their player card and make us the one. We say to ourselves that what we have going between the BL and us is something special, unique and worth holding on to. We fail to realize that a BL loves their player ways way more than they can ever care for or love us. Since a player tends to always have their cake and eat it too then why would they ever turn in their player card for us? You see a BL has always gotten away with things in past relationships and perhaps never been truly checked or ever had a dose of their own affliction. So why would they ever change or have compassion or mercy on us. BLs always have that “On to the next one” attitude so what’s so special about you to them?

Like I touched on in the Cutting the Tomfoolery post, we tend to fall for BLs perhaps because deep down everyone likes a little challenge or a daring thrill. It's not their unpleasant characteristics that we are drawn to; it is more so the chase that ignites us. It is the chase that makes our hearts almost skip a beat or tingle at the sight or thought of them. It is that chase that makes us never forget, or hang on to every word and hope that BL would call or surface. Know that if you pursue a BL you will be left with a nonexistent relationship that will ultimately leave you feeling void and disenchanted. The flames will most likely accelerate and ignite fast, things will really get hot between you and then you will be left abruptly burnt. So recognize the “BL” (Big Lesson) before hand so that you can avoid being unnecessarily schooled.

Love Expiration

There comes a time when two people have to realize that the expiration date between them is now progressively upon them. When one has to look back and assess the entire relationship and truly analyze if what one has between them is really real or worth it anymore. Is one living a lie? Is that magic really over and is there absolutely no hope of rekindling the relationship? Could it be that one has finally realized that they are never on the same page with SHE/HE about anything anymore? One might be saying and wanting one thing while the other may be desiring something totally different?

Sometimes couples find or think that it is simply easier to agree to disagree or go down the infamous silent treatment route. Living a mundane life like this with someone is sure to have a stifling effect on ones spirits. Many fail to realize that people simply grow apart. This is the point where it is vital to take a second look at your relationship and stop ignoring the bad or what is simply not good or working anymore regarding the two of you. This is something we often do in relationships and wonder how we got here. How did one get to this no man’s land of total disconnect where each day one is left feeling like you are just going through the motions, almost feeling like one is not really living or being one’s full self or potential. It’s like being in a situation that is no longer right, like living in a monotonous hell or emotional prison. It creeps up on you like some sort of depression or frustration that you cannot seem to put into words. This is where you have to ask yourself a few more questions:

*What exactly is holding or keeping the both of you together?

*Is it the love for each other, family and finances that's keeping you there or is it simply a force of habit or the creature of comfort?

*Could it be that one is afraid to exist and not coexist?

*Do you feel that the glue that held you both together is unraveling at lightning speed?

*Do you feel that there was always something your partner was holding back and kept him/her from truly being “in” the relationship you deserve or vice versa?

It’s important to ask oneself these questions when such feelings are racing through one’s mind on a day to day basis. Life is too short to live in this manner. One owes it to oneself and one’s mate to be the best that they can be and demand that it be reciprocated in return. Perhaps things are not as bad as one might believe. Perhaps it is just a matter of sorting through all those misunderstandings and believing in the value of the relationship by first figuring out where one first went wrong. Like putting on the rose colored glasses for the betterment of your love investment, like revaluating as well as working hard to rebuild one’s relationship.

If one feels that they have done all there is to mentally and physically do, then it’s time to recognize that it is imperative one loves themselves and their significant other enough to know when it’s time to let go. It does not mean that we are a failure or that we failed one another. Sometimes we have to admit that it truly does happen to the best of us. Don’t allow guilt to stagnate the long overdue decision. Love one another enough to recognize one’s love expiration.

Searching 4 Soulmate Candidate #1 & Only

“Hello. Is this Missing Persons? I’m looking for my Soulmate have you seen him?”
According to Greek Mythology, the first humans were created with 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 noses, 2 mouths and 2 pairs of eyes. Afraid of the power, Zeus split them in half, leaving them to find the other half of themselves. These people are believed to be called Soulmates.

Yeah, so that’s what the wallpaper on my crackberry currently reads. So this should be a clear indication of my Soulmate belief system or just how intense I am about the LOVE Movement. Like the soulful singer Sade, I too am a Soldier of Love. Despite the heartbreaks or failed relationships of the past, I still believe in love and that there is someone out there for me. I believe that everyone has someone that is just right for them. So with that being said I have to start off with a few thought provoking questions as I often do.

*Do you believe in the concept of a Soulmate?

*If so is there one soulmate for everyone, or are there multiple Soulmates for everyone in the world?

*Do you believe that there is not just a romantic/intimate Soulmate?

*Do you believe that you can also have a Soulmate in a friend, a sibling or distant relative as well?

Call me a silly or a corny romantic that lives in a world that either no longer or an even worse case scenario, never existed. Call me what you want but, I however, strongly believe in the Soulmate concept. Maybe it’s like walking around with a bag full of dreams or being caught up in a romantic matrix of some sort. Perhaps I must have overdosed on the fairy tales growing up, who knows for certain how I got this way……..or maybe I was just born this way. I know many of you can identify with the feelings I’m speaking on. The feelings you get when you have met the “ONE”. The “ONE” that makes you feel like singing every love song under the sun or the “ONE” that inspires you to write a little something like this:

Blessed that you are fortunate to live long enough in this life to experience such an inexplicable feeling for that someone special, a feeling you never want to let go of.... A feeling that makes you feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more compassionate, a feeling that has the ability to transform you into a better person while all the while leaving you feeling weak or at the mercy of the other. When you have this feeling, it’s the kind of feeling that no one can dare tell you how to feel, when to feel, why to feel or even think about suggesting you end it or change it.

This feeling is the most powerful feeling ever, it'll make you do things you never thought you would, and it will make you feel better than you ever felt before. However, it can also tear you in half in a matter of seconds. This intense feeling gives you the strength to take the good with the bad and make every minute feel well worth it and well spent.

Initially his physical stature caught my eyes but, his larger than life persona is what captured and locked my heart. As crazy as it may seem, I think I loved him long before we exchanged one solitary word or glance. His presence commands a great sense of familiarity, like I have been here, or like we have met before.

When ever he looks into my eyes the poet within me cease to exist for I instantaneously become speechless, for I’m basking in moments of this sheer bliss. I feel energetic passion when he touches me, a tenderness when he holds me close, a happiness when I'm graced with his presence, even if it’s just for a minute. Often left anxiously anticipating when our eyes will meet and our smiles will give us that sense of completion. His simple, sweet, sincere words touch & uplift me. His honesty and sincerity, intrigues me. A thought of him transcends me to a serene place then leaves me with an adolescent smile on my face. The intimacy that bonds two people happened and began with the eyes and the heart, long before the physical intimacy came into play. Some things happen beyond reason, like the wonder of how my feelings for him came to be and never cease to thrive or persist.-Soleilwriter

Now, the issue with this belief system is that these feelings needs to be felt by both parties involved for it to be that true Soulmate type connection. That feeling has to be a feeling that flows naturally. It shouldn't be a feeling that one has to force or create. It shouldn't be feelings that one has to put up all resistance against or take the fight or flight approach. The feeling you get will just simply be….a feeling that comes as natural as breathing.... Again, I cannot stress enough about how mutual things have to be. If all these things are not present then what you have is a one sided illusion or a grandiose imagination of a love affair. So what one may have perceived as a fairytale connection is more like an emotional one sided, heart wrenching amusement ride that leaves you feeling unsettled and uneasy. It leaves you feeling and writing heartfelt emotions about a love that is not reciprocated or simply cannot be. Figuring out where you are in a relationship or where you stand is easier said than done. Recognizing your Soulmate and knowing if he or she is the “ONE” is also easier said than done. All you can do is have a sincere heart and pray that love will come through for you this time around. Just remember that when all that has to be said has already been said or done, there is most certainly a lesson to be learned from every experience so never regret. Everyone one you meet along the way, whether just in passing or for a whirlwind minute, just know the encounter had a purpose. Even sugarcoated and optimistically thinking me has to unwillingly (rolling my eyes every bit of the way) admit nothing lasts forever, relationships begin, and sometimes they do unfortunately come to an end even when you don't want them to. Although, I may not have done a great job of accepting or practicing this in the past, I do try to be thankful for all the people that broke my heart. With every heartbreak, one has the ability to find oneself and in that, one is certainly sure to find one’s Soulmate.

Social Networking and the Relationship Upheaval

In the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" Drew Barrymore's character says:

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work. So I called him at home. Then he emailed me to my blackberry and so I text it to his cell. Now, you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by 7 different technologies....It's exhausting."

It’s true; relationships between men and women can be complicated enough. Then you add in the modern technologies of voicemails, emails, texting along with social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, and then things can really get complicated.

I have a few questions to ask once again. I really need your insight on this one. By you leaving your 2 cents on this you wont believe how you maybe helping others, including myself. Here goes:

*If you’re married/in a relationship how you do handle the status situation on social networking sites?

*How do handle opposite sex “friends”, their friend request or comments on social networking sites?

*Should married/in a relationship couples get a joint social networking account?

*Do you have a problem with him/her having access to your cell phone?

*Do you think it is o.k. for a guy/girl in new relationship to text constantly when they can simply call? (I’m talking get to know you long, continuous text).

*Should someone end a relationship via email or text?

*Is it o.k. to find out what your significant other is thinking or really feeling about through his/her status or tweet along with everyone else?

*How do handle password situations?

*How should couples handle all the social movement and its technology?

Many couples have different views on these questions that often end up in bitter arguments. These are just a few questions for now. Some of my questions may sound silly but, these questions seem to be the center of hot topics as well as heated arguments with many couples of late. Feel free to add your question and please, leave your comments.