SHE Confession #2: Another Missed Connection

So I recently met someone. I was ecstatic initially because he appeared to have a vast majority of the qualities that my "Mr Right For Me" was supposed to have. I felt all the bells and whistles go off so I felt like making a public announcement "SHE may have found a man at last!" But....just before I could approve this message, update my relationship status on Facebook or tweet to my followers, I immediately realized this notion was short lived......

When it comes to attraction, surely there is an abundance of eye candy to satisfy ones satiable cravings if need be. However, how rare is it to come across the "ONE" that actually moves you? I'm not just talking about lust here. I'm talking about the kind of person that speaks to your inner spirit, at least that is what I thought. Trust me, it takes a special/unique person to reach or tap into that inner abyss. That inner abyss, that I call my inner spirit might have been off, hallucinating or something because I really thought I was picking up on some serious vibes from HE.

In actuality I was not. I was just running full speed on my emotions and need to fulfill a void I so desire. Well, thank goodness for friends who know you well and can help you reality check yourself from time to time when your sensors are completely off. Anyways, after sharing my situation with two of my closest SHEs, I got instant clarity and had the biggest epiphany! Everything that was being exchanged between HE and I was one sided. There is no mystery here in trying to figure out which side it was that was doing the most exchanges.

You see both my SHE friends help me see that I was carrying feelings from my last attempt at a pseudo relationship into the present situation, needless to say it wasn't cute. So, as an end result I had to do some reflecting, be honest with that SHE in the mirror. I had to see things for what they really are, a one way street headed to nowhere. I had to cut my losses while the getting was good or before the getting got too good, so to speak.

Do I still think of HE at times? Yes. Do I still hope sometimes that HE will see the effervescent light and come around? Yes. However, what I'm no longer doing is being the Gigi character from the movie (He's Not That Into You) waiting for HE to call or hoping to run into HE. I'm not sitting amongst other SHEs trying to over analyze why HE did this, why HE didn't do that or the worst, make excuses for things in an attempt to make oneself feel better. I will adapt one thing from the Gigi character, never to give up on finding love.

Pivotal scene from He's Not That Into You:

Alex: Then, wh...why would you do this? [He's upset and rubs his head.] Oh, sh|t. Why do women do this? Why do they build this stuff up in their minds, take each little thing a guy does and, and, and then twist it into something else...? It's insane! 

[He walks away.]  [There's a long silence between them.]

Gigi: I'd rather be like that than be like you.

Alex: [He walks back to talk to her.] Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?

Gigi: [She stands up and turns to face him.] I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there too much but...at least that means I still care. And, oh, you think you've won because women are...are expendable to you? And you may not get...get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way, but you don't fall in love that way, either. You have not won; you're alone, Alex! [She grabs her coat and storms to the door, starting to cry.] I may do a lot of stupid sh|t but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are. [She leaves briskly leaving Alex alone.]

Break-Ups and the Unknown.....

Ever dated or had a relationship with someone and as far as you knew things were going great. Then, out of nowhere everything came to a screeching halt? Things just ended abruptly without any explanation whatsoever and it left you wondering what happened. Did it ever leave you with a dozen of unanswered questions? Questions, that left you wondering until this very day as to what went wrong? Well, there is now a site that can help answer all of the above.
This interesting fairly new concept is called "Wot Went Wrong". It's a site geared towards helping people get the feedback and finality that they always wanted. Here you can fill out a simple five step process and Viola! You are well on your way to getting the closure you so needed and it will finally allow you to move on with your life. See for yourself and feel free to let us know how it helped you. 
 ***Update*** Although it may have been a great concept, this site appears to no longer be in operation. I guess it may have been difficult to get the side of the let down to fess up.

SHE Confession #1: Online Dating on POF

I was asked by one of my fishy suitors what my process was for selecting a catch on the POF (Plenty of Fish) dating site was and it left me to thinking about whether or not I even had a process. I actually never thought or looked at it as a process before but, I guess I had in fact had one. Perhaps I can share with you all what my methodology was. You see generally when I get an inbox message. I would first look at the profile pics to determine if there is an attraction or any subtle or overt hints of insanity present :-)

(I know it was a tad bit shallow and perhaps overly cautious, forgive me). Then I moved down to look at the basic descriptors and read what he had written on the profile. If his profile spoke to me (a vibe thing) or something about him sparked my interest I responded. Initially I tried to be polite and respond to everyone at first with a customer service type mentality then I had to quickly realize that this was a dating site and not a place of business lol!

Out of the many fishy suitors I was engulfed by, I had only reached out to maybe two men myself and although they had responded with what seem to be some sort of interest, I think the fact that I initiated the contact made them feel like a fish out of water or like the ball was in their court so to speak. Granted, I never said I wanted to play ball or any games for that matter.

Online dating can be easily considered the drive-thru of the dating world. It comes with it's advantages as well as it's disadvantages. I read where someone said that online dating is a lot more difficult than they had originally thought. I have to agree. The reason being was no one was really focusing on one person. You see in the online arena your odds of finding the right one should increase based on the amount of choices at your disposal right? However, the more eye candy you have dangling in front of you the less chances you have of focusing on one person thus decreasing your chances or the odds of finding a potential mate. With all the distraction going on, your true mate/match could be slipping away unnoticed. It's truly the case of spending too much time getting carried away with the false sense of options that can sometimes slip you by and you end up with nothing.

So would I recommend online dating? Yes. Is it for everyone? No. Everyone that joins a dating site is not always some desperate person or some perv with major issues that they're hiding. Just know that everyone is not really who they represent themselves to be. However, you can actually meet some great people. The experience can be a combination of discouraging and yet addictive at the same time. More could be said about this fishing adventure but, I will leave that for another confession. I must say, in my two month trial period on POF I realized the "ONE" for me was not among these school of fish.

Love in 2012

As I take a look back at the past year, I observed some trends regarding relationships between men and women. Things, I have noticed in the relationships of others as well as my own. I have been observing, interviewing and analyzing a few things about men and women when it comes to dating and relationships. It appeared to me that, the relations between men and women have reached an alarming state. No matter how I try to optimistically view things, I kept coming back to the same disappointing reality. The reality that the more you put your feelings on the line for someone or the minute you happen to show you have an ounce of care or concern regarding the other person you might as well consider that the death of the relationship that never was. What is it? Are we afraid of real love. Are we looking at love or a relationship as some sort of big bad monster or the Bogey Man?
Don't get me wrong, there is still a rare breed of She/Hes who still respond to actual positive interactions and affection. There are still a few of us out there that still respond to daily forms of affection or communication. There are even some who don't immediately perceive such frequent communication or affection as borderline stalking and start running for the hills. With all the communication vices at our finger tips, it just seems to appear that we are becoming more detached and distant from one another.
In 2012 I challenge each of you to do better in communicating with SHE/HE. I challenge you to be upfront and sincere about who you are and what you want out of your relationships, whether it be a casual one or a serious one. I challenge you to be clear and concise and leave the mixed smoke signals in 2011 where they belong along with the years before it. Remember, your interactions with others can be complicated or it can be simplistic. The energy you put into it is the energy and karma you get back and that is truly the bottom line. So if you move with love, light and positivity, the odds of you getting that in return are far greater than if you move with calculated, dark and negative intentions.
It's real simple, be what you hope for. It really does begin with you. If you didn't get the outcome you were anticipating then it's okay. It just means that the situation is not for you or it's not the right time. Let's do our part individually while working collectively to have better relations in 2012. If it didn't work for you in 2011, let it go. If it didn't yield the results or the returns you hoped for, let it go and with no bitterness and regrets either. Release and let the love in. May we have all the love and blessings that our hearts desire in 2012 and the following years to come. Happy New Year Everyone.

She Versus He Goes .Com

Hello faithful followers! I just wanted to announce that there will be a few new things on the horizon for SHE Versus HE. First I want to announce that SHE Versus HE has now got it's permanent home at: http://www.sheversushe.com There are several updates and changes underway so I thank you for your patience. However, many of you are still welcome to come to the blog for post updates. I also would like to invite you follow on facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/sheversushe You can follow me personally on twitter. Please be sure to check back for upcoming post. I have a few interesting topics to share with you, it is surely going to be captivating and thought provoking as ever so don't say I didn't warn you. Until the next episode.....

Ramblings in the Name of “Companionship

Here is a “SHE” Confession that I came across and wanted to share with you all. In this confession, I’m sure that there are some readers that might be able to identify with this piece at some point or another. You may be experiencing these very same situations in your current relationship or lack of thereof. This “SHE” writer, is a talented and expressive writer, who has the ability to really take you where she's coming from. She does this through a series of pieces called the “Confessions of an Insomniac“that she often shares with her Facebook friends. I love her heartfelt; let’s keep it real, style of writing. “SHE” was kind enough to allow me to spot light the full confession here. Proceed below for the“Rambling in the name of “Companionship Confession, Episode 74”:

Confessions of an Insomniac: Episode 74

by Ms. Nakki on Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm

It’s not a secret, at least to me, that I've been discontent with this long-distance thing. I've had a bad history with long distance relationships…apparently. Third time a charm? Ahhhh….NO.


Although my rational mind says that what happens is supposed to happen, my heart aches and right now, I’m in need of companionship. Not the kind that my Sorors, home girls, and home boys provide. Not the kind that I can get simply by making a phone call, either…

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the companionship of someone that moves the mind, heart, and body. That is what I want…and I can’t have it with 700 miles in between. Holding hands every 6 months does NOT a relationship make!

I ask myself over and over again if THIS is what I get for the decisions that I've made in life. I go through the what ifs and the shoulda, coulda, woulda scenarios more than I care to count. I've been patient. I've mastered the art of dating myself…I've gotten myself so many gifts, I dare someone else to get me something that I don’t already have. I sing to myself, I take myself out to dinner, I hold my own damned hands when it’s cold. I open the door for myself; I call myself beautiful and toss back my head so that the sun can give me a kiss good morning. All day, every day.

I’m not desperate because I've made what I want and feel that I need public. I’m not afraid to say that I want or need a man. That doesn't mean that I’m standing around the corner waiting for some aloof guy to come, so that I could jump on him. I’m not going out in the streets looking like I belong in a circus (or in a stage play for the ones that are disillusioned about how their make-up looks), or like I should be in some type of erotic showcase. It’s not me…AND, I’d never want a man to accuse me of tricking him because he woke up next to me and my wig was on the lamp shade. No offense to my wig-wearing friends…but I’m just me, no frills. Plain Jane.

I don’t even want to hear about my “No Frilliness” being the PROBLEM… I know a lot of married women who are no-frills. They didn't need embellishment for someone to profess his love in such a way that he wanted her as his life’s partner. So, make up, high heels, and more revealing clothing is not a necessity to be a “fish that’s not tossed back”. Steve Harvey said that…the analogy is so fitting. Dating is a fishing excursion…are you the keeper or are you the one that gets tossed back into the water? He doesn't discuss the ones that were kept and were poisoned or decaying inside – are those the divorcees or the exes? I digress.

He told me that he’s noticed that I've been pulling away from him. Conversations are not as “easy”, I’m not as talkative or funny, I don’t sound as if I’m glad to hear from him anymore. Lord knows that I can’t keep my feelings bottled up and YES, things have changed. I got that although THIS is something he never expected – falling in love; he doesn't know how to integrate it into his current structure of life. No more taking in the evenings unless he’s running an errand – he doesn't want his daughter to hear him on the phone – she’ll automatically know that he’s talking to a woman. (I can't rationalize that yet...she's 16, not 6!) When he runs those errands and is out and about alone, he sees it as a chance to catch up, albeit briefly. He forgets that there’s someone on the phone that expects and wants his undivided attention: “Can I get a spinach wrap with extra cheese?!” Ok…now what were you saying? “How much?!” Sorry, hold on, ok. I’m back… KETCHUP Ma’aM, please!” OK, ok… “Let me call you back, my parents (my brother, my daughter) are calling”.

And because of these competing priorities, somehow text messaging has become an acceptable manner for conversation. No Thanks…don’t want to kill myself (or anyone else) because I’m trying to converse with you via text message. YES, this meeting is terribly boring, but must I blow my cover by texting entire conversations?! I have arthritis and sometimes my fingers hurt.

I never wanted him to make a choice…I wanted him to learn how to reconcile all of these components of his life: daughter, parents, brother, me. Reconcilable. The thing is…that I can’t do the reconciling… I told him that he doesn't have to choose…EITHER/OR doesn't exist in this situation. There was always the understanding that we're both "package deals". The choice is whether or not he wants to reconcile me with his family. There are not 2 families and I don’t have to be a secret. Perhaps I'm asking for too much and my expectations are misplaced...grasping for straws here.

So, I’m simply “chillin”. Coolin out. Whatever is whatever. When he’s figured out how to reconcile all that is going on in his life, I may be available. Yes, I love him and I love me. If he cannot give me what I’ve articulated to be my basic need…then why am I still pretending that it will change? I am pretending when we talk about the future… I’m pretending like it’s something that I can see on the horizon…I can – that little sailboat that doesn't have wind to push it home. While I chill, my options remain open.
Ramblings in the name of “companionship”…

The Truth That "HE" May Never Tell You

I often anticipate and invite more participation from our “HE” readers. After all, the whole purpose of this blog is so that we can better understand one another when it comes to relationships. Being that I’m a woman I try my best not to get too wrapped up in giving the “SHE” perspective that, somehow I end up leaving the “HE” perspective wavering in the wind. As I continue to remain active in the “Love Movement” I often come across many fascinating blogs that I cannot just simply pass by without mention.

Okay all my “SHEs”, I know many of you are always wondering what‘s going on with “HE”? Why is “HE” behaving the way HE is? If only one knew what “HE” was thinking or feeling about the relationship. Why did "HE" end things the way HE did? Well, I think I have stumbled upon one of the golden secrets of a man’s heart and mentality. Please read below as a "HE" Blogger gives his account on why men often grow cold and shut down at the mere thought of love.

Open Letter: We Confess, We Men Are Afraid of Love

Dear Women:

We hope this letter finds you held securely by the arms of true Love. Love is a beautiful thing. Yet, we hope you realize how difficult it was for the man in your life to fall in Love with you and quite possibly, how difficult it is for him to be in Love with you. Love is difficult for us men. Why? Well, to be honest, Love scares us. We confess it here and now, we men are afraid of Love.

We are especially afraid that we will leap into the abyss of Love first but you will never join us. That we will fall blindly into Love and you will not be there to catch us, to guide us. Most importantly, we fear giving up control. We fear losing ourselves in an emotion we do not fully understand. An emotion that controls us rather than us controlling it.

No man wants to feel like he is falling in Love with you before you are falling in Love with him. And yes, we recognize the hypocrisy of that statement. We still stand by it. We recognize that we are asking you to sacrifice emotionally before us, for us, even if we have not fully demonstrated that you should do so beforehand. cont. here

Avoiding the Ultimate B L (Big Lesson)

When you first meet them, note* I said them and not the ONE. Better yet, let me call them a “BL” which is short for “Big Lesson”. You almost immediately and stupidly, I might add, fall for BL’s game or hex. If you never encountered a BL then consider yourself fortunate. However, in case one crosses your path this is how you will be able to identify them; a BL operates something like this: You meet them and you’re almost instantaneously enticed by their confidence, charm and their seductive ways. Now pay attention, that confidence will draw you in like a magnet, it is often a disguise for arrogance. BL’s always have charm and a tenacious way about them that is sure to have you in some sort of a trance. This comes from many years in the game, a serial player at its best. As for the seduction you will experience with BL, well let’s just say it’s like something beyond words or this lifetime.

A BL has the ability to detect your weakness and insecurities on sight. A BL can sniff this out like a hound and use them against you to reel you in and get you hooked. A BL can get you hooked long enough for them to have their way with you then dispose of you like old news. The sweet gestures that hooked, lined and sunk you are now replaced with a lack of feedback or total avoidance. We clearly saw all the red flags going up all around us at the time but, because BL had already succeeded in hooking us, we were already paralyzed and under their spell. We couldn't shake them even if we wanted to. We all ready brought what BL was selling so we were too far gone to make any sound judgments or decisions.

In the beginning, BL will either pretend to want a real relationship or some may even be up front and say they are not looking for anything serious. However, because of that “CCS” (Confidence, Charm, and Seduction) combo and because this combo is like no other, we don’t even wait for them to play us like a Mattel game. We begin to play mind games on our own selves. We begin to create delusional realities and, we do this with the most complete rationale too! We begin to believe that we have the ability to get them to see the relationship in a new light. That we have the ability to make them want to turn in their player card and make us the one. We say to ourselves that what we have going between the BL and us is something special, unique and worth holding on to. We fail to realize that a BL loves their player ways way more than they can ever care for or love us. Since a player tends to always have their cake and eat it too then why would they ever turn in their player card for us? You see a BL has always gotten away with things in past relationships and perhaps never been truly checked or ever had a dose of their own affliction. So why would they ever change or have compassion or mercy on us. BLs always have that “On to the next one” attitude so what’s so special about you to them?

Like I touched on in the Cutting the Tomfoolery post, we tend to fall for BLs perhaps because deep down everyone likes a little challenge or a daring thrill. It's not their unpleasant characteristics that we are drawn to; it is more so the chase that ignites us. It is the chase that makes our hearts almost skip a beat or tingle at the sight or thought of them. It is that chase that makes us never forget, or hang on to every word and hope that BL would call or surface. Know that if you pursue a BL you will be left with a nonexistent relationship that will ultimately leave you feeling void and disenchanted. The flames will most likely accelerate and ignite fast, things will really get hot between you and then you will be left abruptly burnt. So recognize the “BL” (Big Lesson) before hand so that you can avoid being unnecessarily schooled.

Love Expiration

There comes a time when two people have to realize that the expiration date between them is now progressively upon them. When one has to look back and assess the entire relationship and truly analyze if what one has between them is really real or worth it anymore. Is one living a lie? Is that magic really over and is there absolutely no hope of rekindling the relationship? Could it be that one has finally realized that they are never on the same page with SHE/HE about anything anymore? One might be saying and wanting one thing while the other may be desiring something totally different?

Sometimes couples find or think that it is simply easier to agree to disagree or go down the infamous silent treatment route. Living a mundane life like this with someone is sure to have a stifling effect on ones spirits. Many fail to realize that people simply grow apart. This is the point where it is vital to take a second look at your relationship and stop ignoring the bad or what is simply not good or working anymore regarding the two of you. This is something we often do in relationships and wonder how we got here. How did one get to this no man’s land of total disconnect where each day one is left feeling like you are just going through the motions, almost feeling like one is not really living or being one’s full self or potential. It’s like being in a situation that is no longer right, like living in a monotonous hell or emotional prison. It creeps up on you like some sort of depression or frustration that you cannot seem to put into words. This is where you have to ask yourself a few more questions:

*What exactly is holding or keeping the both of you together?

*Is it the love for each other, family and finances that's keeping you there or is it simply a force of habit or the creature of comfort?

*Could it be that one is afraid to exist and not coexist?

*Do you feel that the glue that held you both together is unraveling at lightning speed?

*Do you feel that there was always something your partner was holding back and kept him/her from truly being “in” the relationship you deserve or vice versa?

It’s important to ask oneself these questions when such feelings are racing through one’s mind on a day to day basis. Life is too short to live in this manner. One owes it to oneself and one’s mate to be the best that they can be and demand that it be reciprocated in return. Perhaps things are not as bad as one might believe. Perhaps it is just a matter of sorting through all those misunderstandings and believing in the value of the relationship by first figuring out where one first went wrong. Like putting on the rose colored glasses for the betterment of your love investment, like revaluating as well as working hard to rebuild one’s relationship.

If one feels that they have done all there is to mentally and physically do, then it’s time to recognize that it is imperative one loves themselves and their significant other enough to know when it’s time to let go. It does not mean that we are a failure or that we failed one another. Sometimes we have to admit that it truly does happen to the best of us. Don’t allow guilt to stagnate the long overdue decision. Love one another enough to recognize one’s love expiration.

Searching 4 Soulmate Candidate #1 & Only

“Hello. Is this Missing Persons? I’m looking for my Soulmate have you seen him?”
According to Greek Mythology, the first humans were created with 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 noses, 2 mouths and 2 pairs of eyes. Afraid of the power, Zeus split them in half, leaving them to find the other half of themselves. These people are believed to be called Soulmates.

Yeah, so that’s what the wallpaper on my crackberry currently reads. So this should be a clear indication of my Soulmate belief system or just how intense I am about the LOVE Movement. Like the soulful singer Sade, I too am a Soldier of Love. Despite the heartbreaks or failed relationships of the past, I still believe in love and that there is someone out there for me. I believe that everyone has someone that is just right for them. So with that being said I have to start off with a few thought provoking questions as I often do.

*Do you believe in the concept of a Soulmate?

*If so is there one soulmate for everyone, or are there multiple Soulmates for everyone in the world?

*Do you believe that there is not just a romantic/intimate Soulmate?

*Do you believe that you can also have a Soulmate in a friend, a sibling or distant relative as well?

Call me a silly or a corny romantic that lives in a world that either no longer or an even worse case scenario, never existed. Call me what you want but, I however, strongly believe in the Soulmate concept. Maybe it’s like walking around with a bag full of dreams or being caught up in a romantic matrix of some sort. Perhaps I must have overdosed on the fairy tales growing up, who knows for certain how I got this way……..or maybe I was just born this way. I know many of you can identify with the feelings I’m speaking on. The feelings you get when you have met the “ONE”. The “ONE” that makes you feel like singing every love song under the sun or the “ONE” that inspires you to write a little something like this:

Blessed that you are fortunate to live long enough in this life to experience such an inexplicable feeling for that someone special, a feeling you never want to let go of.... A feeling that makes you feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more compassionate, a feeling that has the ability to transform you into a better person while all the while leaving you feeling weak or at the mercy of the other. When you have this feeling, it’s the kind of feeling that no one can dare tell you how to feel, when to feel, why to feel or even think about suggesting you end it or change it.

This feeling is the most powerful feeling ever, it'll make you do things you never thought you would, and it will make you feel better than you ever felt before. However, it can also tear you in half in a matter of seconds. This intense feeling gives you the strength to take the good with the bad and make every minute feel well worth it and well spent.

Initially his physical stature caught my eyes but, his larger than life persona is what captured and locked my heart. As crazy as it may seem, I think I loved him long before we exchanged one solitary word or glance. His presence commands a great sense of familiarity, like I have been here, or like we have met before.

When ever he looks into my eyes the poet within me cease to exist for I instantaneously become speechless, for I’m basking in moments of this sheer bliss. I feel energetic passion when he touches me, a tenderness when he holds me close, a happiness when I'm graced with his presence, even if it’s just for a minute. Often left anxiously anticipating when our eyes will meet and our smiles will give us that sense of completion. His simple, sweet, sincere words touch & uplift me. His honesty and sincerity, intrigues me. A thought of him transcends me to a serene place then leaves me with an adolescent smile on my face. The intimacy that bonds two people happened and began with the eyes and the heart, long before the physical intimacy came into play. Some things happen beyond reason, like the wonder of how my feelings for him came to be and never cease to thrive or persist.-Soleilwriter

Now, the issue with this belief system is that these feelings needs to be felt by both parties involved for it to be that true Soulmate type connection. That feeling has to be a feeling that flows naturally. It shouldn't be a feeling that one has to force or create. It shouldn't be feelings that one has to put up all resistance against or take the fight or flight approach. The feeling you get will just simply be….a feeling that comes as natural as breathing.... Again, I cannot stress enough about how mutual things have to be. If all these things are not present then what you have is a one sided illusion or a grandiose imagination of a love affair. So what one may have perceived as a fairytale connection is more like an emotional one sided, heart wrenching amusement ride that leaves you feeling unsettled and uneasy. It leaves you feeling and writing heartfelt emotions about a love that is not reciprocated or simply cannot be. Figuring out where you are in a relationship or where you stand is easier said than done. Recognizing your Soulmate and knowing if he or she is the “ONE” is also easier said than done. All you can do is have a sincere heart and pray that love will come through for you this time around. Just remember that when all that has to be said has already been said or done, there is most certainly a lesson to be learned from every experience so never regret. Everyone one you meet along the way, whether just in passing or for a whirlwind minute, just know the encounter had a purpose. Even sugarcoated and optimistically thinking me has to unwillingly (rolling my eyes every bit of the way) admit nothing lasts forever, relationships begin, and sometimes they do unfortunately come to an end even when you don't want them to. Although, I may not have done a great job of accepting or practicing this in the past, I do try to be thankful for all the people that broke my heart. With every heartbreak, one has the ability to find oneself and in that, one is certainly sure to find one’s Soulmate.

Social Networking and the Relationship Upheaval

In the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" Drew Barrymore's character says:

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work. So I called him at home. Then he emailed me to my blackberry and so I text it to his cell. Now, you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by 7 different technologies....It's exhausting."

It’s true; relationships between men and women can be complicated enough. Then you add in the modern technologies of voicemails, emails, texting along with social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, and then things can really get complicated.

I have a few questions to ask once again. I really need your insight on this one. By you leaving your 2 cents on this you wont believe how you maybe helping others, including myself. Here goes:

*If you’re married/in a relationship how you do handle the status situation on social networking sites?

*How do handle opposite sex “friends”, their friend request or comments on social networking sites?

*Should married/in a relationship couples get a joint social networking account?

*Do you have a problem with him/her having access to your cell phone?

*Do you think it is o.k. for a guy/girl in new relationship to text constantly when they can simply call? (I’m talking get to know you long, continuous text).

*Should someone end a relationship via email or text?

*Is it o.k. to find out what your significant other is thinking or really feeling about through his/her status or tweet along with everyone else?

*How do handle password situations?

*How should couples handle all the social movement and its technology?

Many couples have different views on these questions that often end up in bitter arguments. These are just a few questions for now. Some of my questions may sound silly but, these questions seem to be the center of hot topics as well as heated arguments with many couples of late. Feel free to add your question and please, leave your comments.

Cutting the Tomfoolery Out of Your Relationship

Why is it that we often want the one who doesn't want us or the one who is "Just Not That Into Us"? Why do we appear to fall the hardest for the one who plays it cool and acts uninterested? Do we really like or love them, or is it the challenge of getting them to want or love us back that keeps us wanting more? Is it the cat and mouse chase that keeps us anticipating that next encounter? Perhaps many of us are gluttons for punishment when it comes to matters of the heart.

A relationship of this magnitude can often leave one to feel like they are trapped in one of those insane episodes of the cartoon classic Tom & Jerry. According to Wikipedia the plot of the carton classic is described as:

The plot of each cartoon short is usually centered on Tom's frustrated attempts to catch Jerry, and the mayhem and destruction that ensue. Since Tom rarely attempts to eat Jerry and because the pair actually seem to get along in some cartoon shorts (at least in the first minute or so), it is unclear why Tom chases Jerry so much. But some reasons given may include normal feline/mouse enmity; Tom rarely succeeds in catching Jerry, mainly because of Jerry's craftiness and cunning abilities, but sometimes because of Tom's own stupidity. Tom sometimes beats Jerry, usually when Jerry becomes the instigator or when he crosses some sort of line.

This synopsis can easily be compared to the madness we often put ourselves through in the name of love or lust. At some point we have to stop the Tomfoolery and analyze things for what they are and move on to the catch that wants to be caught. Are you the Tom or the Jerry in your real life cartoon ciaos of a relationship?

500 Days of Summer, Then Comes Autumn

When it comes to breaking down the she versus he I think a definite must see is 500 Days of Summer. This movie stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Mark) and Zooey Deschanel Summer) in non-linear romantic comedy. Mark is a guy who falls head over heels in love with Summer, a girl who doesn't believe in love at first. After meeting Summer in his place of employment, he feels that two have a great deal in common. Mark is one who strongly believes in the soulmates concept. He feels she is the one. On the other hand Summer sees true love as pure fairy tales, and isn't seeking anything more than friendship. Mark is determined to win her over and show Summer that love is real and succeeds with a twist. This is a must see. Read synopsis and user comment below:

Taken from IMDB:
Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn't. This is not a love story. This is a story about love. After it looks as if she's left his life for good this time, Tom Hansen reflects back (which bad relationships often make you do) on the just over one year that he knew Summer Finn. Despite being physically average in almost every respect,Tom's adolescent sister, Rachel, who is his voice of reason(and a powerful voice of reason). After all is said and done, Tom is the one who ultimately has to make the choice to listen or not. Tom and Summer argue over whether or not love is real, with Summer saying it isn't while Tom says it is. The two agree to disagree. Rachel tells him that he should take a second look at Summer and Tom's relationship and stop ignoring the bad(something we often do in relationships and wonder how we got to this point). He realizes that there was always something Summer was holding back and kept her from truly being "in" the relationship.

User comment section on IMDB:
(500) Days of Summer is a poem to every down and out guy who thinks he's the only one whose ever been dragged through the mill by their own Summer. What undoubtedly ends up making this picture so brilliant is how relatable it is to its victims and victimizers a like. When all is said and done, there is most definitely a lesson to be learned by Tom's experiences. Everyone you meet along the way, whether just passing through or sticking around for awhile, has a purpose. In the end nothing lasts forever, relationships begin, relationships end. Try to be thankful for all the people that broke your heart, they more than likely helped you find yourself in the process …especially you, Summer…bitch

Harsh Cheating Punishment…You Decide.

I had to put a quick post in for this one...(lol). Imagine if one cheated and this how one had to sorry in this manner. I guess this is something to make many think twice.

My Spin On "The Ugly Truth"

I finally saw "The Ugly Truth". I really enjoyed this romantic comedy because, like this blog it explores relationships and the different ways men and women see things. I know some people feel romantic comedies are often not a good reflection of real life relationships. (Some men absolutely detest them…lol!) Nonetheless, I honestly think Hollywood is getting better at removing some of the perfection and happily ever after fluff and replacing it with true portrayals of real relationship issues that couples face every day.

After watching the movie I left pondering on these thoughts: He/She needs to be who they really are in the beginning of a relationship. Don’t try and become this character or facade in order to get him/her. If one enters a relationship pretending to be something they are not then, most likely one will spend most of their time feeling like they not only cheated themselves but their mate as well. With time, one will not be happy being the person they've become. As the real them begins to seep out, he/she will be left dissatisfied with the real you. When it comes to matters of the heart one should be truthful with their partners about what they want and their expectations in the begining. Surprisingly one may just end up with someone who actually likes them for who they truly are. So that's my spin on "the Ugly Truth" without any spoilers ;-)

Relationship Limbo on the Road to Where?

Here's two neat, yet simplistic videos that touches on topics that many of us who are in tumultuous relationships seem to keep pondering on from time to time. You see, when two people are together, and they say they love each other but, seem to be at war more often than at peace. When you have a situation where it appears to be more bickering and frustration than a real loving exchange. It can be very much like the "War of the Roses" or a "Thin Line Between Love & Hate". Often refusing to communicate, refusing to listen or compromise. Often wondering what is the glue that keeps you together and is that bond worth all the pain and frustration.



A few questions to brew on:

*Why stay together if one is not willing to make changes for the better?

*Why make each other miserable if neither one is willing to live up to each others expectations of each other?

*Why is it so easy for one to only see their pain but not the pain they inflict on the other?

If you find yourself at a crossroads and you still feel stuck and you need a little help along the way please be sure to read: A Means to a Mend

5 Suggested Tips on How to "Date" or "Court" Each Other

Whether you have just started seeing each other, newly married or a veteran at the matrimony thing, I think it is important to make time to still “Date” one another. Remember back in the day, when our elders use to actually "Court" each other? I feel it is so imperative to always try and slow down from life’s daily hustle and bustle and get that quality time in with one another. Try not to even make it an option. I feel it helps keep the relationship fresh and the communication and passion flourishing.

Here are 5 suggestions on how to continuously "Date" or "Court" each other:

Tip #1. Don’t make your date itinerary a routine or a duty either. Always try something new if possible. If unable to...switch it up a bit with a little added twist and rotate the activities or outings. Make it fun.

Tip #2. Get creative and use your imagination and resources. I do understand that this can be a difficult feat (especially when a night out with the Boys/Girls) seems more appealing. All you can really do is try to make an assertive effort and you’ll be surprise how she/he will come around and may begin to look forward to your dates.

Tip #3. Plan your date night and plan a separate night out with the Boys/Girls so that there is balance. A separate night out with ones peers is necessary from time to time.

Tip #4. If an important scheduled "Date Night" or "Boys/Girls Night" event conflicts with each other, have some leniency with one other and make a joint decision to alternate or swap days.

Tip #5. Try and do things you both like, try some of things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Also, alternate between what you like and what they like with the hopes of appreciating or understanding each others interest even more.

So those are my 5 suggested tips. Feel free to comment with tips and suggestions of your own. Lastly, be sure to have fun loving, appreciating and re-discovering each other all over again.

I'm Not the Expert Just an Apprentice of Love

This is how I started off one of my twitter updates today: "Just because one likes to have grown up conversations about relationships doesn't mean one is implying that they are an expert on the topic". Let me tell you what prompted me to state that….

My Beau and I were having a conversation about this here blog. By the way I am still trying to get him to join in on some of the discussions the way Hank and Nelia did on their blog. Maybe even do a dual couple blog like mr. nichols and his wife do on their blogs. But, perhaps he is internet shy because he sure has a lot to say otherwise….lol.

Anyways back to what I was saying. I said to him that I by no means am trying or professing to be a relationship expert. I was married for a little bit over over 15 years and had my share of both good and bad. I also have been the one that many girlfriends and (strangers in the grocery store go figure) seek for advice on all sorts of things but, still I am not an expert, for I am learning and trying to find my way everyday. I too often seek the comfort of picking the brains of others for further insight on my personal situations.

With this blog I would like to be viewed as more of a Moderator more than anything else. It is just as I said in my blog description; I really want to focus on relationships between Men and Women and the issues they face daily. I hope that this exchange of different views brings further understanding to both men and women.

So yes, I optimistically would like the end result to bring forth increased unity as well as harmony amongst the sexes. I too want to selfishly benefit from these discussions and grow as a person as well as in my relationship with my Beau. So unlike many of the she versus he discussions that generally creates division amongst the sexes, hopefully we will have a reverse effect here at she versus he.

Discovering The Ugly Truth

When it comes to the "She Versus He" movement and my quest to help us understand each other, I found another great romantic comedy to check out called “The Ugly Truth”. Check out the movie synopsis below:

Abby Richter (Katherine Heigl) is a romantically challenged morning show producer whose search for Mr. Perfect has left her hopelessly single. She's in for a rude awakening when her bosses team her with Mike Chadway (Gerard Butler), a hardcore TV personality who promises to spill the ugly truth on what makes men and women tick.

When a Bond Has Been Compromised

In a relationship, you find someone that you trust and you consider them to be your most highly regarded confidant. You share with them some of your deepest secrets and embedded insecurities that you wouldn’t dare share with anyone else. Such a gesture does not come about by doing small act or feat either. They earned this privilege by gaining your heart and your trust over time.

Everyday isn’t always a good day between two people. The two of you may not always see eye to eye. It may even get to the point where issues and conflicts become frequent visitors in your relationship. These communication isues shouldn’t really make much a difference right? After all, they are your most cherished confidant right?

Well, what do you do when your most cherished confidant goes and compromise your trust? This often occurs as a result of anger or some emotional based revenge. The very same secrets you shared with them are now being thrown back at you to hurt you. The very same insecurities that you divulged are now being used against you. What do you do when you are constantly being undermined by this person you love? What do you do when they use words to emotionally hurt or manipulate you because they know just exactly how to do it?

Do you:

a) Try your best to work it out by figuring out the emotional root of the constant betrayal and decide to forgive and forget.

b) Do you give them a spoonful of their own emotionally fatal medicine?

c) Do you acknowledge this as emotional abuse and decide to cut your losses and let go of the emotional roller coaster?

I would love to hear your answer and see how you would handle things……..